Breaking Your Own Heart
by edward6234
Summary: Bella has conflicting thoughts about her relationship with Edward after accidentally reading a message between him and Emmett. All Human.
1. Chapter 1

Breaking Your Own Heart

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does or Beautiful Disaster, You Found Me, Let Me Down and Breaking your own Heart all by Kelly Clarkson.

Summery: Bella has conflicting thoughts about her relationship with Edward after accidentally reading a message between him and Emmett. All Human.

Bella's POV.

I was just staring at the screen for what seemed forever. It never changed but part of me wished it would. Just sitting here staring at the same thing for so long was starting to hurt my eyes. Not to mention what these words were doing to my head. I continued to go through the possibilities in my mind but only ever coming back to the same conclusion. The same horrible conclusion.

(Let Me Down)  
>i am too smart to let you in here<br>but i'm just dumb enough to linger  
>i wanna think that you'll be different<br>smoking mirrors are so clever clever  
>i picked him and things went so bad<br>then what you say won't actually happen  
>i've been dying to open my eyes<br>see you try instead of always leaving me out to dry

you're only gonna let me down  
>when it counts, you count down<br>you're only gonna turn me out  
>as i burn, you burn out<br>you're only gonna make me feel so crazy  
>but when i think we could be something<br>you go and let me down, let me down, oh

He had to go. … I knew that but at the same time I couldn't stand to see him leave. In the end I already knew he would say yes and I'd be happy for him. This was a very good thing … for him. I'd be happy for him when he finally got around to telling me, which he hadn't yet. But still I'll be happy, on the outside. … On the inside I'm sure my mind will still be arguing with myself on how I feel about all this. How I'll feel to watch him leave, … again. I know he must have a good reason for keeping this from me but at some point he will have to tell me and I'll have to give him a response. I'll have to say something but I just don't know what I'll say to him about this. All I know for sure is that I have to tell him to go.

(_End of an instant message between Edward and Emmett_.)

…

_Edward: Yeah I know it's a great job opportunity.  
><em>_Emmett: So whatcha go'n 2 do?  
><em>_Edward: … I don't know.  
><em>_Emmett: Its in another State bro.  
><em>_Edward: I know that Emm. I just don't know what I'm going to do.  
><em>_Edward: I don't even know if its for sure yet.  
><em>_Emmett: Yah well U should take the job.  
><em>_Edward: … I don't know. Look I think she's here.  
><em>_Edward: I'll be back later.  
><em>_Emmett: K Deal with her. Ttyl bro.  
><em>_Emmett has logged offline._

Edward had let me into his apartment and rushed off to finish getting ready for our date tonight, leaving me alone in his living room with his laptop still sitting open on the couch next to me. He must have forgot to close it before answering the door but it was too late now. I didn't mean to read his conversation with his brother, all I was going to do was check my mail, but then I saw the words. Now I can't stop staring at the message board. I know Edward will soon be coming out and I'll have to pretend not to know anything but my head was already spinning.

"Hey Bella, sorry it took me so long." Edward called as he walked out of his room and down the hall towards me.

"Its ok." I said back softly mostly afraid to hear the horror in my voice, I tried to swallow around my fears.

I carefully closed the top on his laptop before he entered the living room and rearranged my face so he wouldn't be suspicious when he saw me. Edward always seemed to read me so clearly but today I hoped I could fool him, just this once. He came in with the brightest smile on gorgeous face and I couldn't help smiling back up at him as he came to sit beside me. Edward leaned down and lightly kissed my forehead before taking my hand to hold.

"I'm so excited about our date tonight Bella!" Edward said still smiling that perfect smile, it was as if he wasn't even thinking about the words from the conversation he had moments ago.

I of course, couldn't get them out of my head. "Yeah, so am I." I answered back trying my hardest to keep my panic at bay.

He was silently staring into my eyes for a while. "Is there something on your mind Love?" Edward asked simply.

"Yeah I'm alright." I said and slightly turned away, grabbing my bag on the table so he wouldn't know I'm hiding something.

"Ok, then are you ready to go?" Edward asked as he stood and reached out his hand to help me to my feet.

I turned back with my bag and eagerly took his hand. He lead me around the couch and out the front door, hand in hand. I had no idea where we were going or what we would be doing on this date tonight but suddenly that didn't matter, so long as he was with me. As we were walking to his car I noticed that as long as he was close I wasn't as worried about things to come. I couldn't completely keep my mind from wondering back to the computer screen and the words I read there but having him around helped. I was more relaxed and my smiles were more real now.

"So when are you going to tell me, Edward?" I asked as he drove down the street, my eyes watching the blurs of green and browns.

"You'll see where we're going once we get there, Bella." Edward said happily as he glanced over at me every so often.

I could sense his eyes glancing in my direction more often than I thought necessary. In fact it seemed like his eyes were on me more than they were on the rode, but that could have also been my paranoia setting in. I was just too frightened to look over to find out in fear of him reading my expressions again. Without Edward's hand holding mine it was harder to keep my mind on other things, I kept wondering back to what if's and painful thoughts of leaving.

"I know how you feel about this kind of thing, Bella but please try to enjoy yourself tonight." Edward suddenly said as he continued to drive, probably thinking my silence was because of our date and my hatred of all things surprises.

My thoughts were brought back to the present and the car I was riding in with the most amazing man ever. I turned to smile back at him when his words struck my memory again. I really should have let the news of him leaving ruin such a special night. After all, Edward hadn't even really told me about this yet and so I shouldn't know anything. I decided to take my mind off worries for the time being until the time came when he finally told me himself. I'd worry and handle the situation when the time comes.

"I'm sure I'll have a great time tonight because I'll be with you." I said with more honesty than I was expecting but I was with him after all, how could this night be anything but exciting.

"I'm glad to hear that then." He answered turning back to the road in front of us and pulling the car into so parking lot.

"Where are we?" I asked as I tried to get out of the car but Edward suddenly reached across me and pulled the door closed again.

"Not even going to give me a chance to be a gentleman tonight, are you Bella?" Edward said teasingly as he quickly got out of the car and rushed around to open my door for me.

I softly chuckled at his antics and happily took his hand as I got out of the car. "You know, you don't have to do _everything _for me in order to be a gentleman, right?" I asked skeptically.

He chuckled wholeheartedly. "True but I also very much enjoy doing everything for you. Your reactions are priceless." Edward answered happily. "Now, come on Love."

As I allowed Edward to lead me across the mostly empty lot, I looked around to try and guess where we could have been. Nothing looked familiar and I knew that we weren't in town anymore because even with Edward driving it took us hours to get here. That alone was more than enough to make me worry but only because I wasn't sure where we were and now we could be almost anywhere. Edward always goes over the top when it comes to surprises … and well everything else. I guess it was just natural for him since his entire family was rich and they all spend money like it was nothing. You would think they would all be up tight and rich people like but that was far from the true. Esme and Carlisle did well to raise their kids with money and real life goodness.

"There is nothing here, Edward?" I asked confused, there was nothing around but empty lots and abandoned buildings.

He gently squeezed my hand. "Its just a little farther." Edward assured me with a soft smile. "If its too far for you, then I'd be happy to carry you there."

"Um, yeah. No, Edward." I said rolling my eyes. "I can walk just fine, I just don't see what could possibly be out here?"

He chuckled softly. "Trust me, it will be worth it once we get there Bella." Edward explained as we walked around a rather old and broken down building, … _seriously where is he taking me_?

When we rounded the side of the building I saw something amazing. It was a beautiful open field in the middle of this waste land destroyed buildings and broken roads. It looked as if this was once a nice neighborhood park or something. The trees and flowers were still in perfect health, the grass was freshly cut and there was a small fountain right in the center of this mysterious place. The fountain was simple and still had running water. Everything outside of the grass looked horribly run down but within the park everything was perfect. As we got close, Edward lead me over to a small bench sitting over by the fountain and I sat there in aw of what was around us. It was getting closer to sundown but there was still a lot of light and birds singing in the trees. It was all beautiful!

(Beautiful Disaster)  
>Oh 'cause I don't know<br>I don't know what he's after  
>But he's so beautiful<br>Such a beautiful disaster  
>And if I could hold on<br>Through the tears and the laughter  
>Would it be beautiful?<br>Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical  
>But he's only happy hysterical<br>I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
>Waited so long<br>So long

He's soft to the touch  
>But frayed at the end he breaks<br>He's never enough  
>And still he's more than I can take<p>

"So, … what do you think?" Edward asked as he pulled my into his side and wrapped his arm around me securely.

"Please tell me you don't OWN this to?" I asked and only partially worried as to what his answer was going to be.

He chuckled. "No I don't." Edward answered softly and I relaxed into his side again. "It did belong to an old friend of my but when they aren't around I look after the place for them."

"Of course, … why am I not surprised?" I asked sarcastically just slightly under my breath, _Edward started laughing softly_.

"Alice was talking to me about colors and décor again last night." Edward said simply after a while of peaceful silence.

I sighed softly, this wasn't my favorite subject but now I was even more set off by the topic because the news I _shouldn't _know but still do. "Edward, isn't Alice done planning the whole thing? Why must she keep bringing it up?" I asked feeling drained and unwilling to talk about this anymore.

"Come on, Bella." Edward said lightly kissing my forehead. "She means well but you know how much she loves planning things Bella. Alice just can't help talking about these things."

"Yeah but its our wedding and we aren't even engaged yet." I complained again for the millionth time since she started.

"Well, yeah but it can be fun sometimes." Edward said softly, he was trying to be nice about this because Alice was his sister after all but really, we weren't even dating that long.

"I don't want to talk about this, I just want to enjoy this magic land and the pretty sunset." I said dodging the subject.

"At the very least we should humor her, right?" Edward asked as he glanced off at the setting sun. "For now anyway?"

I didn't want to talk weddings and colors or any of that anymore for a few reasons. The newest reason being that Edward may be taking this great job someplace and he'll be leaving. Besides, Alice always goes over the top with everything she does … _much like her brother_. And weddings had never really been a topic of choice for me. In fact, I pretty much never thought about weddings or marriage in my life. Alice forced the conversations out of me now because she was certain that Edward and I were destined to be together forever. … I wasn't so sure. I mean, I love Edward more than anything but I've just always known he would leave me one day. He would get bored or just simply move on to someone better suited to be with him. Someone just as perfect as him. Alice refused to believe my (what she calls ridiculous) views of our future but I don't see how she can look at him and then back at and then see us staying together for long. Edward could do better.

"Maybe I just want to see her happy." Edward suddenly said still watching the darkening sky. "Alice is my sister after all and you Bella, I want to see you happy as well! Is that so bad?"

"I'm happy now." I said simply as I cuddled closer to his side and he tightened his grip on me so slightly.

"I'm glad to hear that, really." He said with a crooked smile, soft yet not quite as happy as before.

The more I thought about this conversation the more I just wanted to forget everything. I mean as if the surprising news wasn't bad enough now I have to deal with a topic, that I not only hate but, only becomes more useless because of that news. I just didn't want to think about things that would probably never be.

"Do we really need to talk weddings though?" I asked suddenly as I realized I just couldn't do this anymore.

"No, of course we don't." Edward said looking back at me with a full smile again. "We can talk about anything you'd like."

I want to talk about this new job thing. "I don't know what to talk about, anything I guess." I said cowardly. "How about you, is there anything new to talk about from you?"

"Umm, well Rose tried to take Emm shopping with her the other night." Edward offered slightly taken off guard. "She will probably never make that mistake again considering what I heard from him earlier today. Rose must have almost killed me!"

"Talk about anything else with Emmett lately?" I asked in a very small voice, almost so quite that I thought he might not have heard.

"Why would you ask that?" Edward asked confused. "Bella is there something you want to talk about tonight?"

I _accidentally _read your message with Emmett today. "No reason really." I said quickly … probably too quickly. "I was just wondering what else Emm and Rose have been up to lately."

He quickly turned so he was fully looking at me now and I felt very cold without his touch. "Bella what are you talking about?" Edward asked and his tone was skeptic. "If you want to talk about something then all you had to do was tell me."

I took a deep breath and carefully averted my eyes away from his face, I didn't want to see the look there once I told him. "Your laptop was open when I came over today." I whispered softly.

It was silent for a moment. "… Ok, Bella you lost me." Edward admitted. "What does my laptop have to do with Emm and why are you suddenly avoiding me?"

"I'm not." I quickly defending but even he knew it was a lie. "I mean, I'm just … never mind, it was stupid."

"No, please just tell me." Edward begged as he tried to get me to look back up at him again. "I just don't understand what's wrong here. Why do you care so much about Emmett's plan and my la…" He paused suddenly and everything froze.

I didn't look away from the spot of grass beneath my feet. I was too afraid to see the realization dawning in his eyes and know that I'd read him private message with his brother. I knew he'd be mad but I also knew I had to tell him for him to understand why I was acting so strange. I just couldn't take knowing and not talking about this anymore. I wanted to know why he hadn't said anything to me about this job yet but then I thought he was just trying to wait until he knew more about everything. But I already knew and I really needed to stop acting like I didn't. We needed to talk about what all this would mean for us now. And it would mean change.

"You saw the message huh." Edward asked but there wasn't much question in his voice, he knew I had. "Bella I really don't know anything yet, otherwise I would have told you."

"I know that." I whispered back still not looking up.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" He asked.

"I thought you'd be upset about me reading your message." I answered honestly. "I really didn't mean to read it anyway."

"I'm not upset with you, Bella." Edward told me as he reached out to lift my chin so I'd have to look at him again. "I'm a little upset with myself for leaving up in the first place but I'm not upset with you. I could never be upset with you for something that was my fault. I was the one that didn't tell you. I also don't even know what this all mean or even if I'm going to get and take this job. Its pretty far away and I'm not sure if this will work."

I knew what he meant and what he was saying but in my mind I knew that he really should take the job. It would be great for him. He'd never really been a fan of staying in this town his whole life so this was a good way for him to get out. I know I didn't know anything about this job but Emmett seemed to think it would be a good idea for him and I liked to think I could trust that.

"You should probably take the job, Edward." I said looking into his eyes, I knew it would be for the best. "It really sounds like a great opportunity and I think you should really think about this."

I was trying to hold everything back but I suddenly broke. I could feel everything inside of me breaking dawn. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably, I was crying. All I wanted to do was run away and at the same time hold him to me so he couldn't leave.

"Bella, … Bella what's wrong Love?" Edward asked and I could see and hear the panic he was feeling, he pulled me into his arms and I was helpless as I sobbed into his chest. "_Bella_?"

"I … I'm s, … so… sorry." I whispered in between sobs.

"Bella, Love what's wrong?" Edward asked as he held me and started rubbing my back gently. "Please, tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I just know that you should go." I said softly into his chest after a while of me just sobbing. "I also know that I want you to stay but I can't allow you to miss this because of me."

He was silent for a moment longer. "Oh. …" Edward started in a breath. "Oh Bella, I know this is a lot to handle right now but really it won't be that different. I mean, you practically live at our house as much as your own. Moving to a different state would only be like moving together in a place of _our _own. And we really don't need to talk about all of this just right now. Trust me, it'll …"

"What?" I asked suddenly confused now and for a moment my tears stopped only for me to cling to him tighter. "What are you talking about, Edward? _Me _… moving. What, … _with you_?"

"Well, … Yeah?" Edward said confused as well. "You didn't really think I'd be moving and _not _take you with me? What, you thought I'd leave you here alone? Bella you're the love of my life, why would I take this job and leave you here?"

"You … wait, what?" I muttered. "You want me come with you? But what about moving on and, … and better things? What about this opportunity for you? You could have anyone now."

Edward suddenly pulled my arms back. I was forced backwards and my head snapped up till my eyes were locked with his narrowed melted green ones. The way he was looking down at me was almost … angry? But I'd never seen him looking this way at me before, _maybe at Mike but never me_! I wanted to look away again, his gaze was only confusing me more, but I couldn't.

"Bella, how could you possibly think I'd want someone else, … anyone else?" Edward said firmly pulling me back into his arms and embracing me tightly. "I will never want anyone but you!"

And with that I started crying all over again. This time some many thoughts crossed my mind and all of which had to do with him. He was the sweetest, kind hearted, and perfect man that I could never truly have. … Edward was far better than anyone I could possibly end up with. My life would end up being so insignificant compared to his. I love him with all my heart but I know he could do better.

"Bella, … please stop crying." Edward begged as he continued to hold me and run his fingers through my hair. "I don't understand what I did? If it was because I was yelling … it wasn't at you Bella, I just don't understand how you could think that?"

"But you deserve better." I whispered into his neck and held him closer. "Edward I don't get it, … I don't understand why you're even with me! I know you love me and I love you but how can you be with me when you deserve so much more? I've always known this wasn't going to last forever between us but you're making things very difficult on me. You encourage Alice and the others when they all start talking about future plans and weddings but what about us? We know we aren't meant to be so what are we even doing here? … _I can't stand this in-between anymore_! I need you to answer me up front and straight. **Are you going to leave me or not**, are you going to tell Alice to stop talking about weddings?"

"_**No**_. … No, no, no." Edward muttered and started shaking his head slight and holding me tighter. "This is not how this night was supposed to go. I wanted everything to be perfect and now all its got me was my girlfriend crying all night. And as far as not deserving is concerned, what makes you think _I'M _the none deserving one? How could you even think that lowly of yourself? Bella, I do love you … more than anything and nothing can change that! As far as marriage goes, … well I know you don't like to talk about so I try not to think about it myself. Sometimes I do _and its nice _but it doesn't have to happen as long as I still have you!"

I didn't say anything, I _couldn't _say anything. I simply rested my head against his chest and slow took in his words. Edward seemed to truly mean everything he was saying and I couldn't help but to notice how he was probably right. I have been crying most of the night now and my view of myself is rather low but I couldn't just believe that he was right about one thing. … Edward did deserve better than me, _even if he didn't think so_, but still … _**here he is**_! After everything I've put him through and all that has happened, he hasn't left yet. He didn't leave. … That has to mean something right? I know I can be confusing to people but somehow he always finds a way to break through that and find the real me.

(You Found Me)  
>So, here we are<br>That's pretty far  
>When you think of where we've been<br>No going back  
>I'm fading out<br>All that has faded me within  
>You're by my side<br>Now everything's fine  
>I can't believe<p>

You found me  
>When no one else was lookin'<br>How did you know just where I would be?  
>Yeah, you broke through<br>All of my confusion  
>The ups and the downs<br>And you still didn't leave  
>I guess that you saw what nobody could see<br>You found me  
>You found me<p>

And I was hiding  
>'Til you came along<br>And showed me where I belong  
>You found me<p>

Edward has always been there just when I needed him. Every time when all I wanted was to just hide myself away, he'd show up and change my mind again. If I was in trouble, he'd found me … he takes care of me and he loves me. Why would I want to throw all of that away when he makes me feel like I belong right here? He's everything I've been looking for and so much more. The only problem here is me and he doesn't think that matters. So why should I, right … but it does matter, to me anyway. Edward Has always done the right thing by me so now its time to return the favor. He needs to see why I am right and why he should leave.

This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life but I know it has to be done. I slowly started shaking my head, I knew even before we started dating that this couldn't last. He seems so close to letting me have everything with him but I have to let him go. … I have to take control for both our sakes. Edward will, one day and without meaning to, end up breaking my heart. I'll just save him the trouble and take care of that myself. _Maybe it will hurt less if I'm the cause and know when its coming_. Edward has to be free from me and move on with his life. Move on to a better life.

**Breaking Your Own Heart  
><strong>Shaking your head like it's all wrong  
>Before you're here you're already gone<br>And even with the light all around you  
>You're all alone in the dark<br>You're breaking your own heart  
>Taking it too far down the lonely road<br>You say it's just one love  
>But when it's close enough you just let it go<br>The very thing you've been the most afraid of  
>You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart<br>Too many tears, too many falls  
>It's easy to hear behind these walls<br>But you don't have to walk in the shadows  
>Life is so hard<br>You're breaking your own heart  
>Taking it too far down the lonely road<br>You say it's just one love  
>But when it's close enough you just let it go<br>The very thing you've been the most afraid of  
>You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart<p>

You're breaking your own heart.  
>It's not too late, I'm still right here<br>If only you let go of your fears.  
>You're breaking your heart<br>Taking your own heart down the lonely road  
>You say it's just one love<br>But when it's close enough you just let it go  
>The very thing you've been the most afraid of<br>You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart  
>You're breaking your own heart<p>

(The one you're going to leave **vs**. the one you're going to spend your life with?)

_**Which one am I to you**_?


	2. Ch2 Extra

Extra from Breaking Your Own Heart.

_**(An instant message between Edward and Emmett**_**.)**

_Emmett has logged online.  
><em>_Emmett: Hey Bro!  
><em>_Edward: Hello Emmett, what's going on?  
><em>_Emmett: Rose tuk me Shop'n 2day.  
><em>_Emmett: Hunt this weekend?  
><em>_Edward: Lol, Sure. Call Jasper and ask him.  
><em>_Edward: So what happened with shopping?  
><em>_Emmett: Bad, … very Bad Man!  
><em>_Emmett: I don't undrst& women & colors?  
><em>_Edward: Like the wrong dress again?  
><em>_Emmett: Mayb & loz more crap!  
><em>_Edward: Emm when will you learn? Lol  
><em>_Emmett: Ha ha dude.  
><em>_Emmett: So wats up with U?  
><em>_Edward: I have a date with Bella tonight and I have some exciting and frustrating news.  
><em>_Emmett: Rlly? Wat up?  
><em>_Edward: I've been thinking a lot about that ring, Emm. I know she hates talking about wedding plan and stuff but she always says its because we aren't engaged yet. So maybe if I asked her she'd change her mind right?  
><em>_Emmett: Its worth a try.  
><em>_Edward: But I also just found out that I may be getting a job offer, a really nice job offer. The major problem would be its in another state. I don't want to bring up the question and a move all at the same time. I mean, yeah we practically live together now but moving to another state together and getting married are both pretty big steps, right?  
><em>_Emmett: Well, U Luv her?  
><em>_Edward: 8-l (rolling eyes face)  
><em>_Edward: No Emm, I don't Luv her. I love her!  
><em>_Emmett: Same thing. :-p (Tongue face)  
><em>_Edward: Whatever, Yes, I do. … I just don't want to put too much on her at once. I mean, I really don't know if this job thing is anything to think about yet but if it is then a wedding on top is too much. Maybe I should just wait.  
><em>_Emmett: R U sure?  
><em>_Emmett: It seems like a great job opp though._

…

_Edward: Yeah I know it's a great job opportunity.  
><em>_Emmett: So whatcha go'n 2 do?  
><em>_Edward: … I don't know.  
><em>_Emmett: Its in another State bro.  
><em>_Edward: I know that Emm. I just don't know what I'm going to do.  
><em>_Edward: I don't even know if its for sure yet.  
><em>_Emmett: Yah well U should take the job.  
><em>_Edward: … I don't know. Look I think she's here.  
><em>_Edward: I'll be back later.  
><em>_Emmett: K Deal with her. Ttyl bro.  
><em>_Emmett has logged offline.  
><em>


	3. Ch3 Change is life, part 2

Breaking Your Own Heart part 2

Change is life.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update and thank you to those that reviewed and had asked me to continue with this story, tiff1986 and Emmauk26 thanks! As you should know, life get busy and in the way so I don't like to make promises as to when I update or even if I will but I'm glad to be working on this story again. I love this story!

Also I would like to point out something I made unclear in this story, a contradiction of sorts from Ch1 to Ch2. Ch1 made it seem as though they all had their own apartments and then in Ch2 I put them back to living with their parents. (Yeah, my bad!) Its been awhile since I started Ch1 and well I forgot how old I had made them and messed that up a little and hadn't noticed until I posted Ch2. Sorry for any confusion. That's why I'm reposting this chapter in hope that its been fixed!

Edward's POV.

After Bella had finally stopped crying she seemed much calmer, not completely better but at least the tears had stopped. I hated to see her cry like that and have no idea how to make them stop. Not that she was making much sense last night anyway. Talking crazy about me leaving her and like it would be better for me if I did. I could never leave Bella without it killing me inside and out! She was everything to me and nothing could keep her from me. I ended up taking Bella back to my place for the night so she could sleep, it was closer and Alice would want to ask her all about our date. I walked her up to Alice's room and left her with whispers of sweet dreams and a light kiss on her cheek. She seemed too tired for anything else and I just hope that Alice allowed her some sleep.

"Not likely though." I muttered to myself with a soft smile at the thought of my hyper sister pestering a tired Bella for answers.

The next day I woke to think, today was another day and soon Bella would be waking up and she'll find that my family has come to join us for breakfast. My mother never demanded much from her children but a family breakfast on the weekends was something she looked forward to every week. Bella included in both parts of this; her child and our family. This week it was at my place since I had my date with Bella last night and she and Alice would already be here. She practically lived here anyway and everyone loved her like she was family. I suddenly heard movement coming from the other room as I waited in the kitchen for the others to come join me.

"My, my Edward. You're up early." My mother said as she saw me, walking into the kitchen ready to cook.

"Good morning Mother." I answered simply as I slumped back into the chair I hadn't realized I'd slightly pushed off of.

"Bella and Alice still sleeping, dear?" Mother asked as she moved about the room to start cooking. "Or had she gone home last night after your date? The poor thing must have been tired."

"She's here mom. Probably still sleeping." I answered back and rested my head in my hands as the were folded on the table. "I know Alice is still sleeping so she probably is too."

"Oh don't be too sure Brother." Alice hissed from behind me, probably in the door way to the kitchen from the sound out it. "I would have been sleeping still if it weren't for _**YOUR **_brother."

"Oh so now he's _my _brother?" I asked slightly amused although I wasn't sure for what reason yet. "What did he do now, Alice?"

"HE STOLE MY PILLOW AND _THROW _IT OUT THE WINDOW!" She shrieked and my attention was lost the moment Bella followed her into the kitchen and they both sat at the table. "I can't believe we are related to that giant eating machine!"

"She refused to get out of bed and then he came in screaming about Esme's cooking and the smell was making his stomach hungry even though he'd just eaten not even three hours ago." Bella quietly mumbled as she tried to hide her amusement.

"Where is he now, Alice?" Mother asked almost sounding as if she hadn't heard a word of Alice's yelling.

"Out back, buried in the yard; is my guess." I answered with a smirk as I watched the slight smile that was playing on Bella's lips.

"Close." Alice stated sharply. "He's outside getting my pillow and then he's going to hand wash any and ALL dirt that got on it!"

Alice continued sulking about her pillow and interrupted beauty sleep until Emmett walked into the kitchen and sat down. _It also helped that Mom had the perfect timing to have the food done just in time to save her son's life_. Alice couldn't stay too mad at anything while she was eating our mother's cooking. Emmett on the other hand didn't seem all that worried about it either way, as he stuffed his face full of food. The thought of a hungry bear came to mind as I watched in stunned amazement. Glancing at Bella, I could tell she was having similar thoughts while watching him.

"Geese Emm, don't kill yourself." Bella said in mocking horror as she laughed and continued eating her own meal.

"Is goo, Ma." Emmett muttered around a mouth stuffed beyond full of food, then he tired to swallow it all. "Yum!"

"Chew, Emmett Cullen." Mom chided. "You're not an animal and we have young ladies at the table."

"Its just my sisters!" Emmett whined childishly before stuffing more food into his mouth again. "I am chewing."

"Emm, how on Earth have you survived all these years?" I asked half way joking and the other half in truthful wonderment.

Breakfast continued in much the same manner as we all stopped laughing and started eating again in silence. The food was great and we all became lost in the taste, it had seemed. Alice would end up killing Emmett for the bits of food he was spraying at her if she could see them landing all over her sleeves as he ate. She was too distracted to tell, luckily for him. Mother had gotten finished and moved on to clean the kitchen before she would gather our dishes to wash after we all left the room. She always insisted on cooking and cleaning for these breakfast dates because she said it felt more natural that way, more like when we were kids. Bella was the quietest of us now, something seeming to be on her mind as she simply pushed the remaining food around on her plate. She was distracted for sure but I couldn't tell as to what she could be thinking about. I wanted to ask her but I know how much she hated to be put on the spot, I would have to wait until we could be alone.

"DONE!" Emmett shouted and slammed his fork on the table as if he had finished some eating contest. "Awesome food, Mom!"

"Thank you, Son." Esme called back just as he was leaving to go back outside; probably for a run or something to work it off, or possibly running off to meet up with Rose before work.

"Wow." I muttered as I rolled my eyes and continued to eat.

"Mom, I'm going to meet up with Jasper and we'll be gone for a while." Alice called as she got up to leave herself.

And then there was two. Bella and I were the only ones left at the table. Sure my mother was just in the other room but she wasn't one to eavesdrop and she had the water running. It wouldn't matter if I asked Bella what was on her mind now because no one was around. … The problem was she hadn't even noticed when the other's left the room. Not even a glance since she fell silent. Bella was left pushing her food around her plate in little odd shapes. I watched her for a moment longer, wondering what was on her mind before it became too much for me to handle.

"Penny for my thoughts?" I said as I pulled her plate away from her in an attempt to gain her attention, it worked.

"Huh, … oh." Bella stuttered as she glanced at me. "Wait, isn't it penny for _your _thoughts?"

"Well yes but I'd like to think that your thoughts could be mine as well … If you'd be willing to share them with me?" I answered with a grin, hoping she'd see it for the joke it was and smile.

"That was a lame joke, Edward." Bella said sounding still a little distracted. "Anyway, its nothing. Just tired really."

I sighed. "Bella you're hiding things from me." I stated simply. "You don't have to tell me but it would be nice to understand."

"We can talk later." Bella said and before I could answer she stood to take her plate into the other room for Esme to wash.

I was left alone at the table, alone with my confused thoughts. I thought that after last night we had gotten past all our problems and that she was happy again. Of course this didn't really mean that she was unhappy and I could be overreacting but something was bothering her … and that was bothering me. I didn't want to act like there was a problem until I knew for sure but I really didn't want to just let it go when I could tell something was wrong. I moved to take my plate over to my mother as well when Bella walked back into the room again. She was trying to smile now.

It was fake and forced. "Can you drive me home soon, Charlie has probably been missing me and I need new clothes." Bella asked as she walked up to me and took my plate.

"Sure Bella." I answered with a small smile, even though I didn't want her to leave just yet. "Any time you're ready to go."

"Now would be good." She answered after running my plate to my mother, she passed right by me and ran upstairs.

I guess that was my cue to go get ready to drive her home. I walked up the stairs and to my room, _not as fast as she had but I wasn't slug-like_. I changed my clothes into something comfortable and plain, there was no need for fancy on this trip. Alice would probably disagree but she had other things to deal with at the moment. Jasper was on his way to get her for their date. I was sure it wouldn't take Bella too long to get her things so I just went straight to my car to wait for her. Then a few minutes after I walked out, she came rushing to the car a little flushed.

"Sorry if you were waiting long." Bella breathed out.

"Relax, I just got out here myself." I reassured her. "Breath Bella, there was no need to rush. I'm happy to wait on you."

"Thanks for the ride, Edward." Was her only answer.

I started the engine and pulled out of my drive. The long ride over to Bella's was made even longer by the silence that filled my car. We usually never really talked a lot while driving but this was different, she was too quiet and _not in a good way_. Whatever had been on her mind before must have still been bothering her now. Again, I found myself desperate to know what was in her thoughts.

"Is it later, yet?" I asked unable to help myself any longer.

"Huh, oh." Bella answered as I broke her thoughts and she turned to look at me, instead of out the window. "I guess."

"Good, so … tell me what's up Bella." I said smiling.

She took a deep breath and turned back towards the window. "When you drop me off at my house, I think you should get Alice's shirt I borrowed last week. I keep forgetting to return it." Bella said calmly and I waited for her to continue certain that couldn't be everything this silence was about … but she hadn't started again.

"Bella?" I asked again to regain her attention, she looked my way.

"I've just been thinking about stuff, Edward." Bella answered simply as if I couldn't tell that much just by watching her.

"And, … well what about Bella?" I asked before she could shut me out again, we were also almost to her house now.

"Just _stuff_, its nothing to worry about." Bella said softly, then she turned to me with a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I'm probably just not feeling very well. Maybe I'm coming down with something and its messing with my mind a little."

I rolled my eyes at her attempt at joking. "Bella that's not really funny but if you think you're getting sick then you should be resting. Tell Alice she shouldn't force so many shopping trips on you all the time. It's probably not helping that Emmett's always playing some sort of joke or prank on you either."

"Yeah maybe." She answered in a soft breath, playing little attention to me anymore. "I'll try that, Edward."

I drove the rest of the way to her house, not trying to continue. She clearly didn't want to talk about it right now and no matter how much it was killing me, I knew Bella would tell me when she was ready. I wasn't going to rush her into doing something she didn't want to do just because it was better for me. Bella's needs came before my own and that would never change. Her house looked dark and empty as we pulled up. Charlie must have been off at work but I guess that would be normal for him at this hour.

"Thanks, Edward." Bella said as she quickly got out of the car, she didn't even give me a chance to help her out this time.

"Bye, Bella." I called but it was too late, she was half way up the stair by the time I had a chance to say anything.

I knew I would see her tomorrow before her classes but I instantly missed her. Also the fact that she rushed off before I could kiss her goodbye was a little unsettling for me as well. Bella and I had a misunderstanding the other night on our date and I was still a little worried she was thinking about that. I know she knows how I feel about her and I know she loves me the same but sometimes she forgets. … And that makes me worry more than anything else. I couldn't dwell on this just sitting here so I went home again. She would talk to me about this all soon enough and I'd worry about it then. I rushed off to my room since my mother had already gone by the time I'd gotten home and with the late hour, I decided to get my things ready for work in the morning. Something I was doing simply to pass the time and to not think about my Bella.

…

I woke with the feeling that something bad was going to happen today and had to forcefully drag myself out of bed this morning. It was torturous to wake up for work knowing it was going to be a bad day but also knowing Bella would be here soon helped. The girls all tried to take the same classes in college or at least ones with the same time schedules while us guys got jobs in the same area so we could ride together. I slowly dragged myself into a quick shower and changed before wondering down stairs to see if the other's were in my living room. Work wasn't bad, but honestly who would want to wake up _this early_ to listen to a bunch of noise girls and annoying boys chattering in the halls while the boss tried to drill some knowledge into their otherwise useless minds? It was madness even more so since I know every guy in her class wants to flirt with Bella. _My Bella_. Especially Mike, I hated Mike most of all! Always have since high school and probably always would!

"Rough morning, Eddie boy?" Emmett teased as I walked in and sat down with the permanent scowl on my face.

"No, … yes. Just thinking about Mike and what a horrible morning this is going to be." I answered not wanting to talk.

"Aww poor Brother." Alice said sweetly, truly caring that I wasn't having a good day … _what a good sister_. "Bella call you too this morning. It sucks that she's going to be out sick today."

"WHAT?" I asked sharply from shock, she hadn't called me.

"Oh … oops." Alice stuttered as she quickly danced away to sit across the room instead. "I thought you knew."

"Bella isn't going to class today?" I asked staring blankly in front of me, this was going to be an even longer day than I thought.

Much to my distain, I did have a horrible day without Bella to help. Everyone was asking about her and Mike even had the nerve to suggest getting her a get well soon card. Not that I don't wish for her to get well, just that I hate him and any thought he has for her makes me wish to throw his head throw the wall. Sometimes my jealously seems a bit over the top, _even to me_, but I can't help that that little punk gets under my skin. Bella was happy with me and if he couldn't see that by now then he needed glasses. By the time I got home, I was completely in a fowl mood. I thought for sure nothing could be worse but then when I called to check on how Bella was doing, she didn't want to talk to anyone, … including _me_. Or _so Charlie had told me_. At least he said she had been sleeping and rest was good for a recovery.

…

For the rest of that week Bella was out sick and when she had finally gotten better she was acting very distant. Bella hadn't been riding with anyone in my family, _including myself_, she wasn't meeting up with us before classes started, not eating with us at lunch anymore, Bella wasn't talking to me at all. She wasn't even talking to Alice in their classes either. _It was like she no longer wanted to have anything to do with any of us_? No matter what any of us did to try and talk to her, she wouldn't talk. She started avoiding us. Ignoring phone calls, coming late to classes or skipping them altogether, telling Charlie she didn't want to see us so no visiting her at home. This had been going on for two months now and I wasn't the only one confused and utterly hurt by Bella's sudden distance. Alice has been beside herself over Bella's disappearing act from our lives, even my mother was hurting. Jasper and Emmett missed joking around with her. Everyone here was feeling like a part of the family had just walked out on us and without so much as a goodbye to anyone.

"GO FIX THIS, YOU JERK!" Alice shrieked at me once again after another horrible day, completely convinced this was all my fault. "I can't keep having my best friend HATING me because you did something stupid!"

"If I could I would, Alice." I snapped back at her. "You're not the only one she's been avoiding here! I miss her too but she won't let me get anywhere near her. What can I do, Alice Huh? Any bright ideas? Cause I have no idea why she's not talking to us!"

They all came over to my apartment after work and classes today to gang up on me about this Bella situation. We were standing around my living room now and Alice was livid with me, _AGAIN_, just as she had been for the past two months! The others at least tried to understand when I explained I had no idea what happened but Alice refused. I was getting sick of her irritating ranting.

"Alright, calm down now." Jasper came up between us both and placed his arms around my sister to help calm her. "None of us know what's wrong with her but fighting won't fix this."

"Can't we just go over to her house and talk to her?" Emmett asked just as he had done every week so far.

"Charlie won't let us in as long as Bella says she doesn't want to talk to us anymore." I answered dully, as I have already explained this to him time and time again. "She won't let us talk to her."

"Well, what did you do to her?" Rose bluntly asked.

"Who said I _DID _anything?" I snapped again and stormed the rest of the way into the kitchen, muttering as I went. "Its not like I upset her as far as I know, and she's not talking to me either. Don't you people think this is killing me, I can't talk to her! I can barely see her since she's been skipping almost all of her classes and when she is there, she isn't driving there with me anymore. Its like she hates me now and I have no idea what happened! I can't _fix _anything!"

"No Bella again today?" Mother asked slightly saddened as I walked into my kitchen to find her working on dinner as she had done every night since Bella stopped coming over here.

I sighed and took a deep breath. "No." Was all I could manage before I rushed off to my room once again to wallow.

If this was a game or something then I didn't like it much. Why would Bella just stop talking to me like this? Its been two months since I've talking to her, since I've held her, _kissed her_! I missed her so much and it was killing me because I had no idea what I'd done wrong that would have made her act this way. I know something had been on her mind that day but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. So now I'm left with nothing but confusion and frustrations over something I don't understand. Then I was angry, she couldn't do this to me! Bella couldn't just stop talking to me without some sort of explanation as to why. I could understand if she didn't want to be with me anymore, _it would hurt but I'd understand_, but to just stop talking to me and my family was cruel! The next thing I know, I'm out the back door and rushing towards my car. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do but it was too late to stop myself now. The car was started and I was driving towards the love of my life … _that wanted nothing to do with me_. I was determined to find out why that was and how to fix this.

…

I got to her house and to my surprise and delight, Charlie wasn't home. Must be working an early shift tonight. I decided it would be best not to park outside her house just in case so I went to park somewhere around the block. I ran back to her house and went straight to the side yard. Bella's room had this huge tree just outside her window and luckily it was wide open even though there was a slight chill to the air due to the storm coming. This was Forks, there was always a storm coming. I started climbing the tree and _idly hoped the storm would hold out until I was through dealing with whatever this turned out to be_. Once I got up to the top I carefully peered into her bedroom window, not wanting to be intrusive but checking if she was even there at the time. She was laying down on her bed with her back facing me, she looked too tense to be sleeping though. I didn't want to startle her but as soon as I saw her I wanted to be there, holding her close again. I carefully broke off a small twig from the tree and throw it at the window, then again with another. The sound made her slightly jump and she looked surprised but not too frightened.

"What are you doing?" She hissed softly. "You're going to kill yourself if you keep climbing that damn tree, Jake!"

My heart fell and my grip almost slipped, _Jake? _… Jacob Black had been here and she though I was him now. "N, … No." I stuttered out. "Bella its Edward. We need to talk, … please?"

"Edw, … Edward?" Bella muttered and she froze in place.

"Can I please come in Bella?" I asked desperately seeking a yes.

"Umm, uh … No." Bella answered in a breath.

"Bella this is insane!" I said as I struggled to get a better grip on the tree again, climbing was easy … hanging was not. "You can't just not talk to me. You should at least tell me why?"

"We aren't together anymore, Edward." Bella answered and turned her back on me again, standing in the middle of her room. "Just go home! … Leave me alone like you should!"

"I don't understand? Bella, talk to me please!" I begged as my heart was breaking even more than before. "Please Bella."

"You, … You shouldn't be here." Bella said softly. "Charlie will be home soon and I, … I don't want to talk to you. Move on already and just get on with your life! Please Edw … Edward."

"Is that what happened Bella?" I asked trying to sound unaffected by her words. "Did you move on already, … with Jake?"

She flinched when I said his name but otherwise made no notice that I'd said anything. "Go home Edward." Bella replied.

My heart sank to the ground and buried itself a new grave. "As you wish, my Love." I answered simply before climbing back down.

As I rushed back to my car, the rain started to fall and I couldn't help myself from glancing back at the house I'd probably never see again. … _And the girl that I lost forever_. She was watching me through the window, I could see her blurry figure through the rain but I couldn't see her face anymore. She didn't want me anymore and she wanted me to just move on, _like that was possible_! I wasn't sure what was worse, not knowing what was wrong or knowing that she was now in love with Jacob Black and that he had been to her house? Jacob was a childhood friend of hers but I guess that had changed now and he was up in her room. I had thought we were going to start our lives together soon. I was going to ask her to marry me but something changed all that. I was even considering not taking that job offer so we could get married and not have to worry about moving away at the same time. Now none of that matter anymore because she didn't want me anymore. Maybe I should take that job after all … I can't imagine living in this stupid small town knowing Bella is here and doesn't even want to see me, let alone _be with me _anymore. She wants Jacob Black and if that's what will make her happy, how can I stand in her way?


	4. Ch4 Lost, part 3

Breaking your own heart part 3

Lost.

Bella's POV.

Three months had past now since I stopped talking to Edward and the others. I know it wasn't the right way to handle this but I couldn't break up with him. I couldn't say the words to set him free but I thought if I ignored them long enough, he would move on. The first month for me was the absolute worst! I didn't even have Alice around to help me through this because she wouldn't understand … she's always talking about wedding plans. I was all alone to sufferer in my self-sacrifice and it was killing me! That's when I did something I almost shouldn't have; I called Jacob Black. He was once my best friend when we were little kids, _before I even met Alice and her family_, but when I started dating Edward we didn't really talk much. That first month without him, I needed someone I could talk to … someone I could use as a friend. Jake came to my rescue after all these years and after everything I had put him through while I was dating Edward. It was like we were old friends again … _except Jake was a lot more muscular now _and we were a lot older than when we were kids, _playing _together.

…

That night before, when Edward had tried to come talk to me … I thought it was Jake and now Edward knew I was talking to him again. But it was more than that, … Jake was helping me. Jacob knew how much Edward means to me and doesn't understand why I would put myself through this torment but he made any arguments with me. The night before Edward showed up I realized why. Jacob likes me … _really likes me _and he had made that clear when he _**kissed **_me. It started out normal enough, I was having a horrible night and called him to come over. He came and allowed me to cry into his shoulders for hours until I was calm enough to talk to. Then he tried calming me down and comforting me. Well comforting lead to holding and holding lead to … when he told me he hated to see me crying over him and that he _loved _me. Jake kissed me suddenly and I was frozen in shock at the time. I must have yelled at him for like three hours after that but couldn't stay mad at him for very long. He was my only chance to get through everything I was going through right now. I needed him too much!

"Bella, you ready yet?" Jacob yelled from down stairs, Charlie must have been bugging him again.

"Coming!" I yelled back. "I'll be right down."

I could easily picture the heavy sigh and the rolling of the eyes from Jake. He had been driving me to and from my college classes, now that Edward knew he was around I didn't need to hide him. Over the past few months I had gotten very good at avoiding the Cullen's and the Hale's and still continued with classes. I had no idea how I had been managing it cause I had most of my classes with Alice but she eventually gave up trying to talk to me. Just like the others had and after that night with Edward, so had he. In fact, _I hadn't seen Edward around anyone since that night_ … not even Alice. They all would usually have lunch somewhere on campus during the guys' lunch breaks from work. I had been hiding out in the bookstore to avoid running into all of them but I could still watch them as they hung out. … _Edward had been missing for weeks now_. Jake said I was over thinking about something that had nothing to do with me anymore. He was right but it still stung.

"Took you long enough, this is your class after all." Jake teased with a smile as I climbed into his car.

"Yeah I know, sorry." I apologized sincerely anyway. "I was just a little distracted this morning. Edward still hasn't shown up for their lunch dates and its been over a month now."

He sighed as he started driving. "And this concerns you, how?" Jacob asked using that '_you're doing it again'_ tone.

"I still _care _about him, Jake." I answered sharply. "I mean, that's the whole reasoning I'm doing this in the first place; _right_? Because I know he'll be better off without me and that he needs to find someone who deserves to be with him!"

"Sure, sure Bells." Jacob waved me off. "But what about you? … What about finding someone that deserves to be with you? Someone to make you happy and who will always be with you."

"Well, I guess I'll worry about that later." I answered without looking at him now, Jake meant well but I really had no intention of finding someone else for me … _Edward was the one_.

"Sure, Bells." Jacob replied as he pulled into the parking lot.

I got out with a quiet goodbye and left him behind me. Jacob was always talking like that now. Giving me little hints that I needed to move on without really saying the words but I just couldn't do that. I also couldn't tell him I couldn't do that because I was afraid he'd stop trying. I know Jake is my friend and he wouldn't leave me when I needed him the most but if he found out there would be no chance for us to be together then he might wish that he could leave. My day pasted in a hazy blur of teacher's lectures and sloppy notes as my mind was more focused on other things. … Things like Jacob and his all consuming hoping and Edward still not showing us to hang out with his family. I know its just one time of day that I'm spying on them so he's probably around them the rest of the time. But it still makes me worry. He had never missed a lunch date with them before and now its been a whole month without him there. What was he doing instead of spending time with them? Was he stay at work or was he, … was he with someone else?

"Hey, Bella!" A voice called from behind me as I walked into my first class. "Did you get those notes from yesterday?"

I turned and sure enough, it was Mike. I had been borrowing his notes since my mind was too busy to take any useful ones myself. The poor boy still had a huge crush on me and I know it was wrong but I could use the help. Mike was like a lost puppy that just didn't get the hint I didn't want to take him home with me. It was sad but right now, _other than Jake_, he was my closest thing to a friend.

"Uh, yeah." I said distractedly as I handed him his notebook. "Thanks again Mike, its really been a lot of help."

"Did you want to hang out after class, get some coffee or something?" Mike asked … as he usually did.

"Umm, sorry Mike." I answered seeming to think about it for a minute or so. "I just remembered, I already have plans. Plus I don't drink coffee … but maybe next time."

"Yeah, … maybe." Mike answered a little disappointed as we both walked in and took our seats just as the lesson started.

I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid getting asked out by Mike and any other lonely guy that looked like he had something on his mind. … Since Edward wasn't hanging around me anymore, it was like high school all over again. _What was wrong with guys_? I started hiding out in the bookstore more often than going to most of my classes, not that I had much of them in the first place. Jacob was always on time when it came to picking me up and he could tell I had a bad day. I didn't want to talk about it with him but he seemed to have other plans as he locked me in the car until I did tell him. He was being to hate Mike about as much as someone else I know. … _Used to know_, I guess. Sadness and misery; my friends. I got home to find Charlie gone again, he's been working a lot more lately and coming home so tired. My poor father. I spent my time reviewing my lesson plans again and cooking dinner. I was just about finished when I heard a knock at the door. It surprised me and I almost dropped the hot plate of food I was carrying.

I rushed to get the door. "I'm coming, … Just a minute!" I called as I ran from one room to the next, unsure as to who it could be.

"I still had a key but I wanted to knock so I didn't frighten you by just walking in." Alice said as she rounded the corner just as I was walking into the living room. "Hope its ok."

"Alice." I froze in place … unsure of how to act now.

Its been so long since I've seen her … well seen her up close and talked to her. I thought for sure, she and the others would hate for me for what I did to Edward. Alice especially should never have wanted to talk to me again. So what was she doing here, come to yell at me maybe? That would be nothing compared to what I deserve … _even if I was doing what was for the best_.

"We NEED to talk." Alice said stressing her point but she didn't sound as angry as I was expecting to hear.

"Alice I'm willing to hear whatever you have to say but it won't change my mind." I answered honestly as I lead her to sit down on the couch with me. "I've made up my mind and its for the best."

"Edward is leaving." Alice said once we were both sitting. "I know that's blunt but he said he's taking some job or whatever and I don't know what happened between you and I almost don't care. You have to tell him not to go. Edward isn't listening to us anymore and you just can't let him go like this Bella!"

"Oh, … He's, … he's taking the job." I stuttered out trying to not let her words bother me, I was failing. "G, good for him."

"BELLA you aren't listening!" Alice snapped. "Edward. Leaving. For GOOD? … NOT a good thing, Bella."

"Alice … this, this is want I wanted." I told her truthfully. "I wanted him to move on with his life. The life he's supposed to have and to find someone he's meant to be with."

She looked at me like I was insane. "ARE YOU CRAZY?" Alice snapped waving her arms about. "He already has found the one he's supposed to be with BUT SHE won't talk to him anymore. Edward's spent the last month planning his escape from here."

"Its good that he's moving on, Alice." I said simply while not looking at her anymore, I didn't want to hear anymore.

"Bella you don't get it." Alice said trying to gain my attention again. "Bella, he quit his job here, he's sold his car … His Baby even! He even tried to give me his apartment so he wouldn't have to sell that. Edward has spent most of the last month making plans to leave here but he's made no moves to go anywhere else. I even called that place with the job, … they said he never called back."

"What's your point Alice?" I asked trying not to listen.

"Edward hasn't been the same since you left." Alice told me and I could hear the sadness and worry in her voice. "He's been distant and not eating or sleeping well. Hasn't packed a since box since he said he was going to move and yet he talks about leaving any day now. We are all worried about him but he won't talk to us anymore. In the beginning Mom was going over to cook for him and stuff but he wouldn't even let her in at some point."

"He's not talking to you?" I asked confused now. "At all?"

"Not since last month." Alice answered softly. "We don't even know why but something really broke him, Bella."

Thinking back on what Alice was saying, I couldn't stop the single tear that escaped my eyes. As it slipped down I thanked myself for turning away from her, she could see my weakness now. They don't know what had broken him but I do, a month ago was when Edward came to talk to me. When I told him to go and leave me alone, … when he found out Jake had been hanging around me. I told him to leave so he would move on with his life but it seems he's only been breaking apart. I've been broken since I knew I had to leave him but I know he will pull together soon. I hate to hear of him in any kind of pain like this but I know he will move on. He should move on and find someone that will make him forget me.

"He'll be alright, Alice." I whispered in defeat as I tried to pull myself together enough to finish this talk. "He'll be fine."

"Edward isn't as strong as you think." Alice whispered back and I could feel her hand lightly places on my shoulder. "And you don't have to be either. We all really miss you both, Bella."

"Someday, … someday I'll come back Alice." I told her. "We'll be best friends again, and it'll alright. But I can't right now. Sorry."

"Please Bella. … If you love him, you'll at least try to talk to him." Alice begged as she stood and headed for the door. "Just please, all I'm asking is you talk to him. Call me later ok?"

With that last word she was gone. I had no right to talk to Edward now. Alice was begging me to do something he would never allow. It was sure to be too late to call but, _for my best friend_, I would try. I felt myself breaking down again and soon Dad would be home, I couldn't allow him to find me like this. I rushed to the kitchen to put his dinner in the oven to stay warm and wrote out a note. I told him I had a class I needed to study for and was going to school. Told him where to find his dinner and to not wait up and then I took off running after making sure to grab my keys and cell phone. I had no idea where I was driving to or anything at the moment but I just had to get away. I had to drive and forget the rest of the world for a while. Drive until I ran out of gas or I found a place to hide. The emotions breaking through me now were too strong and I couldn't be see by anyone. I had no right to feel this way and I had know idea why I was. Edward would be alright and he would move on and that's why I left him; so he could move on. So he wouldn't have to someday, break my heart. I just did it to save him the trouble. I was willing to break my own heart to save him. So now I had to run and hide away from the world as I fell apart, not even Jake could save me this time. I was slowly dying inside and out.

…

I had been driving for hours now, looking up and down streets. Looking for something but unable to figure out what I was trying to find. Time was passing and I was sure I had gotten myself lost. I didn't recognize anything around me but I didn't feel lost, I felt like I was getting close. _Close to what I wondered_? I was sure I had never driven down these streets before but something was familiar. Maybe when I was with Charlie … or maybe with the Cullens but I couldn't tell for sure. I most not have been paying much attention, wherever I was going … I really wanted to get there already. My heart was feeling heavy and my tears were only moments away. I continued to drive only seconds away from just pulling off to the side of the road and breaking down. But something kept me driving on … _something I couldn't understand_. Something I wasn't willing to fight at the moment, I just wanted it to be over already.

"Where the hell is this place?" I yelled as I drove. "What am I even looking for, why can't I just lay down and cry somewhere?"

Just as the last word slipped from my lips, I realized why these surroundings looked familiar but unknown to me. I was taking the road that Edward used on that night, when he took me to this special place. The little hidden beauty among the rumble. The night I realized what I had to do in order to save him from himself. The place where I found and lost my reason for love. We had a little disagreement and then I made up our minds for us. It had to be done but now I'm dealing with the consequences. Heartbreak. Why would I want to come back to this place, take this road that leads me down to the place I started breaking down? What peace could I find in the beautiful place that took my peace world and turned everything upside down? I couldn't understand and yet, I couldn't fight the pull I felt to find that place again. I needed to be there. … Or maybe I just needed comfort and love, that was the last place I'd truly felt happy in so long. The last place my mind was naive.

"This is stupid!" I shouted as I pulled off the road and found some run down building's parking lot, I needed to stop running away.

No, I needed him. ... But I couldn't have him. I found myself staring down at me cell, sitting in the seat next to me. I was willing to wait … give him some space but I had promised, I'd try. I slowly picked up my phone and stared at it in my hands. Thinking of a reason not to call him, to turn around and just go home. I tried to think of one but as soon as I picked up my cell, my tears went away. I wasn't on the point of breaking down anymore. I wasn't fixed, _far from _but I had pushed back the tears once again. I found myself unable to put my phone down and so instead, I dialed the number I thought I'd never call again. Edward Cullen. … But there was no ring, it went straight to voice mail and my heart fell. I tried again, … nothing changed. My last shred of hope was to text him.

Bella's text message to Edward Cullen:  
><em>Are you there? … Please.<em>

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>Not for much longer. … Did Alice talk to you?<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>Yes, she's worried about you. I told her you'd be alright.<em>

Ten minutes passed before the next message was received.

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>That was nice of you. <em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>I know you will, Edward. You'll move on soon.<em>

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>There is no moving on, just leaving.<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>Leaving where?<br>__Alice said you sold your stuff but didn't take that job?_

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>That job doesn't matter now, nothing matters soon.<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>What does that mean, Edward?<em>

Then everything Alice was saying made more sense than I wished it had. Edward was feeling broken and lost and he thought that I had moved on because Jake was with me. When he really wasn't. Edward had sold everything he could, dropped the ball on that job offer but was still telling everyone he was going to leave. He was acting weird, cutting Esme and everyone else out of his life. Edward was getting rid of everything he wasn't willing to loose and now … he was talking to me. Calm and cool but distant.

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>Where are you?<em>

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>It doesn't matter anymore. … It won't matter soon.<em>

Bella' text message to Edward:  
><em>WHERE ARE YOU? What are you doing?<em>

Twenty minutes passed before the next message was received.

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>I guess someone should know.<br>__I've come to the last beautiful place I know … to kill myself :)_

With that my worst fears were brought to life. The car was started and I was driving again before my first tear fell from my eyes. I still wasn't sure where exactly this place was, I hadn't paid much attention before and now I needed to be there. _**Now**_! I couldn't understand what was going through his mind right now but all I know is I had to find him and soon because he wasn't allowed to do this to the world. I glanced at my phone as it lay forgotten on the seat, his message still on the screen. I couldn't be lost right now, he needed me and I had to stop him. Before it was too late! I had to find him. Edward couldn't possibly be serious but I couldn't take the chance that he was. I finally found the right parking lot and was running out of the car in an instant. Car door left open and the keys were still in the ignition. I completely didn't care. The only thing going through my mind was '_I need to find Edward_'!


	5. Ch5 Security Blankets, part 4

Breaking your own heart part 4

Security Blankets.

Disclaimer: Kevin Welch Killing Myself lyrics. Kill Myself by Tim McGraw. _Five for fighting, Dying. All songs I do not own but use at least part of to stress points in my story._

Edward's POV.

I couldn't believe I had been so stupid. How could I miss that Bella was falling for another man? How come she never said anything to me before, told me her feelings had changed. Or maybe they hadn't changed and she was just acting on how she really felt now. Bella could still have told me that she was going to leave me, even if the words would have broken me into even sooner. It would have been better than all these months of not knowing and thinking she was just avoiding me. Now I know why she was going it but it still hurt. … I guess it wouldn't have mattered if she'd told me after all. The pain would still be the same, ripping, tearing, aching pain deep down inside my heart. Like something was shredding apart what used to lay there beating and turned it into an empty hole. Jacob was a good guy, … _I guess_, and Bella would be happy since I know he'd never intentionally hurt her. But the thought of him holding her instead of me wasn't pleasurable to say the least. I was trying to ignore the pain and go back to life with my family. Taking it one day at a time. Taking peace in the knowledge that Bella was sure to be happy now and that's what I want for her, _even if she is happy without me_. As long as she is happy I can survive anything.

_"Kevin Welch Killing Myself lyrics"  
>I've been killing myself<br>slow and steady  
>killing myself<br>and I don't know why  
>I've been killing myself<br>and I'm not even ready to die  
><em>_  
>I go to so much trouble<br>just to suffer and struggle  
><em>_Work __work__ work  
>just to hurt hurt hurt<br>I've been walking on a wire  
>getting higher and higher<br>Man I just looked down  
>down down down<em>

I've just been going through the motions since that night I tried to talk to Bella. I tried going to work and acting like I could handle her moving on without me. It was for the best if that's what would make her happy. … I'd do anything to make her happy. But I couldn't hide how over time the struggle was dragging me down. Farther and farther into the darkness of my life without Bella. I always knew that I was in love with her but I'd never fully realized what it would be like to loose her. And to Jacob Black, that stung. Part of me feels like I've died and the rest feels like I'm still dying.

_I've been wrapped so tight  
>I can't sleep at night<br>Listen to the clock  
>Tick tick tock<br>Well my dreams won't come  
>I said my dreams won't come<br>I've gotta change my ways  
>Hey hey hey<em>

_I've been killing myself  
>slow and steady<br>killing myself  
>and I don't know why<br>I've been killing myself  
>and I'm not even ready to die<em>

I've been trying to move on, but I can't. Mom tried to come over again but I just locked the door, closing myself off from the world. I hadn't been to lunch with my family in weeks. Work wasn't going so well either, the only thing making it bearably wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Alice was calling nonstop but I couldn't care. I haven't been sleeping, no dreams to keep me sane. I haven't been able to eat much, my appetite gone since there was no pleasure. I've been trying to move on but I can't. Its slowly killing me, this feeling inside that takes the place where my heart used to beat. I'm not nearly old enough to feel this pain, not ready to die. So why?

"_EDWARD_!" Alice yelled from outside my apartment door again. "I know you're home so open up. _**NOW**_!"

"Come on, Bro." Emmett called from beside her. "You can't just hide in there forever. We missed you at lunch today."

"Go home, I'm getting my things together." I answered dully as I looked through my stack of paper work.

"What things, for what Edward?" Alice asked sharply.

"I'll be leaving soon guys." I told them through the locked door, not exactly the goodbyes they would have like. "Alice, … would like my apartment when I'm gone? I'll leave it to you."

"So you are taking that job offer after all?" Emmett muttered after a moment. "That's great Bro, moving on is good."

_There is no moving on_. "My cars have already been sold and my things will be taken care of." I told them all, just remembering all the loose ends I needed to take care of. "Don't worry about the other arrangements, I'll make sure that's dealt with as well."

"Edward this isn't the time for stupid games. Where are you going?" Alice shouted again as she banged on my door.

"We could help, Edward." Jasper said calmly. "Let us in and we could talk this all out. What job offer is this exactly?"

"Its in another State and before he didn't want to take it because … well because, umm you know." Emmett stuttered and stumbled trying not to say what I couldn't stop thinking; Bella.

"Ah," Was all Jasper relied with a solemn sound.

"I doesn't matter now, leave me alone!" I told calmly again. "Nothing matters now, and soon it never will again" I whispered to myself as I found the necessary paper work to finish for the day.

"You're Mom is getting really worried, Edward." Rose spoke for the first time, I hadn't realized she was out there as well. "Just open up and let up in. Tell us what's changed at least?"

"Its over now." I answered them softly, unsure if they could hear me through the door or not but also not really caring either way.

I was done talking now. I wanted nothing more than to hide away and disappear into my own world until everything was over. Soon nothing would matter and everything would be better. They all continued to talk to me but I wasn't listening anymore and I ignored all of their attempts to gain my attention. Slowly in couples they started to leave. Rose was the first to give in, Emmett following only to calm his fuming wife. _Wife_, … it wasn't fair how much pain that one word could inflict on someone. _On me_. This should be a happy word, full of joy and happiness. But for me it was just a simple reminder of what I would never have. _Bella_. Jasper was silent after I had stopped responding, no matter how much Alice had yelled and shrieked but I knew he was still there. Standing beside Alice as she banged and pounded on my door, slowly the force she used began to lessen and the shouting became barely more than whispers as he tiredness kicked in. She wouldn't give so easily though, _my sister was small but she was stubborn_. It was hours before she left and I laid on my bed, sideways, just listening to the silence as they slowly walked away. Defeated.

…

There was nothing left to do but plan my exit. But part of me didn't want to leave this bed. I had been laying here since Alice had left and that was still hours ago. I thought about packing away my things, boxes laid out for them to go through as they saw fit but how would that make them feel? … I didn't want to make this hard on those around me that I still felt something for. Family and friends that only wanted me to get better … this was my only chance to feel better again. I would fix myself the only way I could think to end this pain. To end the misery I caused around me. I gathered everything I thought I would need and tried to pick the perfect place. A place that was beautiful and yet somewhere I couldn't taint with my hopelessness and destruction. The perfect place to remind me why I had to do this, why I had to leave.

"Kill Myself" by Tim McGraw  
><em>I'm gonna clean the house<br>I'm gonna fix the fence  
>In my final hours<br>I'm gonna tie up these loose ends_

_I wont leave a note_  
><em>For anyone to find<em>  
><em>Tomorrow they'll know<em>  
><em>What I've done here tonight<br>_  
><em>The drastic steps I'm takin'<em>  
><em>Are just an act of desperation<em>

...  
><em><br>Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell  
>This is not some kind of cry for <em>_help  
><em>_Just __good__ bye I wish you well  
>Because I love you<br>I'm gonna kill myself_

I decided on the perfect place and wondered why I hadn't thought of it sooner. I also thought through what I was going to do to finish my plans. I was thinking of leaving a note for my family but what would be the point, they thought I'd be going off to some job offer. That was better for them to believe than the truth of myself. I know it should be done tonight because there wasn't anything left to do. I was done trying to fight this part of me that I lost forever. I was ready to do what I had to do. I know it made me seem desperate but that's how I felt this last month or so, desperate and gone. Unable to move on from the crying tears, away from the hurt and the pain. Tonight was perfect and the park was the best place.

…

The drive there was nothing, I'd been here a thousand times. Before I knew it I was there walking through the broke town that once was thriving. The destruction here was a better surrounding for me though, it mirrored how I was feeling inside. Soon I was walking through the grass of the beautiful park I'd once taken Bella to as a date. She fell in love with the place just as I had. But that did nothing to stop the disagreement we ran across. Thinking back now that was probably where our real problems started. Bella was trying to tell me the truth then but I was too stupid to understand. Maybe I was just too blinded to know the true so instead she just took herself out of the equation. … Well, now its my turn to do the same. I would take myself from every equation. Just then my phone rang out in my pocked, thinking it was Alice I let it go to voicemail, as I had set it to go straight to now. Again it rang and then shortly I was getting a text. Alice wouldn't have caved so soon so it had to be someone else. I looked, _Bella Swan_?

Bella's text message to Edward Cullen:  
><em>Are you there? … Please.<em>

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>Not for much longer. … Did Alice talk to you?<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>Yes, she's worried about you. I told her you'd be alright.<em>

I hesitated before I could answer that. I didn't know what to say, Not likely sounded good in my head but she wouldn't like that response. Bella was just try to do the same I was doing for them, telling them things that would help. Things that didn't sound as bad as they really were. Things to hide the pain, hide the true.

Ten minutes passed before the next message was sent.

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>That was nice of you. <em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>I know you will, Edward. You'll move on soon.<em>

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>There is no moving on, just leaving.<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>Leaving where?<br>__Alice said you sold your stuff but didn't take that job?_

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>That job doesn't matter now, nothing matters soon.<em>

Bella's text message to Edward:  
><em>What does that mean, Edward?<br>__Where are you?_

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>It doesn't matter anymore. … It won't matter soon.<em>

Bella' text message to Edward:  
><em>WHERE ARE YOU? What are you doing?<em>

I didn't want to answer her. She hasn't have to know but at the same time, someone should know where to come find the mess I'll be making. I couldn't tell anyone else up until now or they would have tried to stop me but now it was too late. There would be no way for her to find me now in time. Still … _it shouldn't have to be Bella_, even if she really doesn't care. It still should have to be her.

Twenty minutes passed before the next message was received.

Edward's text message to Bella:  
><em>I guess someone should know.<br>__I've come to the last beautiful place I know … to kill myself :)_

As soon as I pressed send I took the shovel I'd brought with me and started digging. I needed the hole to be big enough to hide the evidence and yet small enough as to not ruin the beauty of this place. The perfect size to end everything and leave me empty. I had everything I was need to finally find my peace and yet a part of me still wanted to turn around and hope things would get better. I knew better than that so I continued to dig. It would be long now. Just putting together the finishing touches before I could end this. Before everything to be buried and forgotten just as I had forgotten everything else that used to matter to me. Nothing would matter now, nothing would ever matter to me again. Happiness as only I could experience it now. Bella has moved on and I couldn't so this is my outlet, this is my chance to escape a world without love. As I pick up the bottle from beside my box, I press it to my lips and in my finally thoughts, a song plays inside my head. And a name is whispered into the fading light as my eyes close once more tonight.

"_Five for fighting, Dying"  
><em>_I'm dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again I'm dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived  
>There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest<br>I'm dying to live without you again_

_I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me_  
><em>I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see<em>  
><em>It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent<em>  
><em>I'm dying to live without you again<em>

_The first time you left I said goodbye_  
><em>Now there's not a prayer that can survive<em>

_Dying, dying to die just to come back so we can meet again_  
><em>Dying, dying to say what I always should have said<em>  
><em>It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this<em>  
><em>As long as there's a breath...<em>  
><em>I'm dying and I can't live without you again<em>

_It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this_  
><em>As long as there's a breath<em>

_I'm dying and I can't live without you_  
><em>I'm dying and I can't live without you again<em>

As the song comes to an end so does everything that's left inside of me. The lyrics whisper on as echoes in my mind but once more Bella's name slips through the lines. This would be the last I think her name or imagine her face, as sweet as it could be. I'll be free from my love and from my life as I once knew it to be. A single tear found its way from the corner of my eyes and slipped down my cheek. I didn't know from pain or joy but it was finally free.

"I'm dying tonight." I whispered. "With one last, … _Bella_."

I lifted the bottle to my lips again and this time my intent was to swallow every last trop. This was of course not what happened next. As I lifted my arm, I was suddenly encircled in a warm embrace. Something slammed into my back and the bottle dropped from my grabs. I choked on what little managed to enter my mouth but that didn't seem to matter as I felt completely safe now. The feeling was similar to that of a security blanket of a small child. _Mother still had all of ours at home in separate boxes of memories for when we grew and started families of our own_. This was a feeling I haven't felt in so long … much too long. I almost welcomed this feeling as it was but for the confusing it brought.

"NO!" A soft, almost angelic voice whispered out.

My mind decided now was a good time to sober up and come back to reality. The warm embrace was clearly someone's arms wrapped around me, the slam to my back was that person running into me from behind, and most importantly … that voice, I knew that voice. Angelic doesn't even come close to describing just how perfect that voice was to me. It certainly belonged to an angel but she was also so much more than that. She was here and I didn't understand. How had Bella gotten here so quickly … why had she come at all?

"Bella?" I asked still confused as I places my still raised hand on her arm, barely touching her in case this wasn't real.

"You can't do this Edward!" Bella cried out and I could hear the tears in her voice now … it broke my heart all over again.

"Bella." I sighed softly and tried to pull away so I could turn and comfort her properly but her grip grew tighter and I couldn't.

I didn't want to force myself from her arms but I couldn't stand to hear her cry and just do nothing. I wrapped my free arm around hers and held them close to me. I allowed her to hold me until I could feel the tear stains sinking through my shirt, a cold reminder that I had once again made her cry. I couldn't take it anymore after that and I freed myself from her grasp. She wasn't prepared for it this time and didn't have the chance to stop me but as I turned she grabbed out for me again. I quickly wrapped my fingers around her tiny wrist and pulled her arms down to her side. She looked shocked and disappointed but didn't fight as much.

"I, … I know." She whispered softly. "I know I don't have any right to be here. I know that, but I couldn't let you do this."

I wasn't paying attention to her words, the tears stain on her eyes were my focus. She looked tired and like she'd been crying much longer than just this. Her words meant so little but her voice was a wondrous sound right now. I pulled her into my embrace the instant I saw another tear appear on the edge of her eyes. She gasped as I buried my face into her neck. There was no way I could let her go until her tears had stopped and her eyes were dry again.

"Please, please don't cry anymore." I begged softly, then something came to mind that I should have remembered sooner. "Wait, … where's Jacob? Should you be with him instead?"

"Wh, … what?" Bella stuttered in surprise. "No, Edward … Jake and I aren't together. I'm sorry I made you think that but I never said we were. You just assumed that and even if we were together, that doesn't mean I'd allow you to do this! How could you think you would be _allowed _to _**kill **_yourself, _**Edward Cullen**_?"

By the time she finished or at least took a breath, she was yelling at me and leaning back just enough to glare up at me. _I still had her completely circled in my arms, unwilling to let her go_. Her anger clearly intent on me. I was lost in the intensity of her stare for a moment or two until her foot stomped on the ground. I looked down at her feet and then back up to her face again. She was still angry … very angry and for a moment I forgot why?

"I was only doing what was necessary Bella." I told her honestly and a little unsure as to why she was so angry about this.

"_Necessary_? Edward _CULLEN_, how on earth is killing yourself and taking _YOU _away from the world necessary?" Bella shouted and slapped her hands onto my chest to stress her points.

For a moment her worlds didn't make any sense, why was she getting all worked up over this. I was just one person that needed to be changed in order to survive. I needed to change … and then I thought back on how our conversation had gone before. What she must have thought I meant by that was literally _KILLING _myself. And looking back now, I guess it could have seemed that way to just about one. But Bella should have known me better than that? Or at least she should have known the old me better, before she stopped talking to me. Before I stopped talking to everyone else.

"Bella, calm down." I started but she quickly cut me off.

"Calm down? … Calm down!" Bella snapped. "How can you ask me to calm down? Edward I still love you and I'm not going to allow this! Now whatever you were planning has to STOP, _NOW_!"

"Bella, I wasn't going to literally kill myself." I told her and continuing quickly before she could stop me. "I came here to kill the metaphorical me, the me that I became when I found out you would never be with me again. That you were with someone else. I became broken Bella and lost, I couldn't stand that me. My family was starting to hate him as well, since I stopped talking to any of them. I was feeling like a part of me had already died inside and I just wanted to be free from that feeling. I had no idea how until I thought about leaving everything that reminded me of you behind. I thought if I lost everything that was causing me pain, that I'd be able to move on and finally be free. I'd be a new me altogether."

"Wow. …" Bella whispered out. "That is the dumbest idea you have ever come up with. … And you're the smart one!"

"Umm, … ok harsh?" I stuttered in shock.

"No really, … sorry but really?" Bella said still in aw of my plan. "AND couldn't you have made that a little clearer?"

"Well, … umm probably." I'd never been more baffled before. "But Bella I don't see how this was suck a bad idea. I mean, it probably would have worked. I have gotten ride of everything I owned that you'd used or came into contact with. I decided to leave town and find some place new and change my name. I would have everything different about my new life. I also came here to bury the last remaining memories that would be holding me back here. Everything of yours that you left with me, notes, letters, cards, gifts, and a few of your old shirts. I put every picture I own with you and everything into that box. All but this one." I said as I pulled out my last picture of Bella, it was too beautiful to bury. "This one is going to Alice and then I'm leaving town."

"None of that will work!" Bella said sharply shaking her head. "You can't just erase everything about yourself and start over hoping your memories of me will go away." Then she realized something and a frown crossed her features, I didn't like it. "You really wanted to forget everything about me … _forever_?"

"No." I answered simply, quickly. "No I didn't but I couldn't live without you … I wasn't surviving Bella. That had to change."

"So I was right still." Bella said thoughtfully after some thought. "IF your plan had worked … you would have moved on. You would have been able to find someone else. Find the girl that was supposed to be by your side, instead of me."

"_UHG_, Bella Will you _PLEASE _stop with that!" I snapped in frustration, not in anger, and held her to me. "_I love __**YOU **_and that would never change … even if I _tried _to forget you. When my plan worked, I would have turned into some plain old John and worked my life away as the lonely drunk. That was all I was destined for."

"Drunk?" Bella asked raising an eye brow at me.

I simply glances down beside our feet at the, now broke and half empty, bottle of alcohol. It was also laying just beside the box of memories that I placed on the edge of the hole I had dug before. Looking down on them now made me realize just how right she was. Getting rid of all these things would do nothing to erase what was in my head. I'd change everything around me, about me but I'd still have my mind against me to remember my lost love.

"You've been _DRINKING_, … since when?" Bella gasped in shock as she stared at the bottle and then back up at me.

"Since tonight, … that bottle to be exact." I explained lost in the disappointment of my now failure of a plan. "Its not like I'm too young or even that I haven't had a drink before Bella."

"You … but, … yeah." Bella stumbled over her words before shaking her head to clear it. "Edward that's really not the point. Honestly your plan wouldn't have worked but I still think you're wrong about the other part as well. Someone better is waiting for you out there somewhere and you should find her."

"No one could be better for me and if that's all you have to tell them then I'm just out of luck." I told her firmly. "If you don't want to be with me fine, my plan is a fail but its all I have. I can't find someone else and I can't be with you so I got nothing left. If all of this doesn't prove my love for you then I don't know what will and I will go find a whole to crawl into. Now, if you'll excuse me … I have to come up with a new plan of survival."

I tried to leave but my hands wouldn't move. I glanced down to find hers grasping mine in place, I hadn't noticed them there before but now they had my frozen where I stood. I was becoming so confused and yet everything was making sense tonight. We were in love but both thought the other deserved better than us. I wanted better for her while she desperately wanted better for me. The true probably we were the best things for each other simply because we wished this. It seemed so easy in my head but it couldn't be that simple. Nothing in life is simple anymore, not even love. But what if it was? … What if it was just that simple. Love and life. The only other thing I owned that wasn't in that box or sold at this point was still sitting in the small box in my back pocket. I dropped a hand to check if it was still in place and then smiled up at my Bella. I stepped away from Bella just a step while still keeping one of her hands in my left hand. I used my right hand to pull the box from my pocket at the same time I fell down on one knee before her.

"I have a new plan, Bella." I said while looking up at her. "Would you like to hear what I've decided to be the best thing for me?"

The look in her eyes was clearly shock but her face gave nothing else away, no answers for me to read. "What?" Bella whispered slowly as she stared down at me. "What are you doing?"

"I'll take that as a yes." I muttered before pulled open the ring and holding up to her. "Isabella Swam, … _Bella_. Will you marry me?"


	6. Ch6 New Beginnings, part 5

Breaking your own heart part 5

New Beginnings

Bella's POV.

Edward tried to leave but my hands wouldn't let him. He glanced down to find them grasping his in place. He seemed confused like he hadn't noticed them there before. I was becoming so confused and nothing was making sense tonight. We were in love but I know he deserved better than me. Sure, he wanted better for me but I desperately wanted better for him. In truth, _we probably were the best things for each other simply because we wished this for each other_. But life wasn't that simple, being a good person that wanted better for him didn't give me a right to keep him. I couldn't allow myself to take this great man away from a much more deserving women. _She would surly be beautiful and be able to keep him happy_. But he'll never find her if he's stuck with me. Suddenly Edward's hand fell behind him, drawling my attention back to him. He was smiling at me again and it took everything not to cry right now. _I had to stop acting like this_. Edward once again tried to step away from me only this time I couldn't stop him. I expected him to just wake away with the way I was feeling but he only moved back a little and he kept the hand he was still handing. Then he did something both confusing and completely terrifying. He fell down on one knee and held out a small box towards me

"I have a new plan, Bella." Edward said with this bright smile on his face. "Would you like to hear what I've decided to be the best thing for me?"

"_What_?" I breathed as he continued to watch me. "What are you doing?"

"I'll take that as a yes." He mused before pulling open the box and holding it up to me. "Isabella Swam, … _Bella_. Will you marry me?"

I continued to stare blankly at this wonderful man before me and the incredibly beautiful ring that should never be mine. After everything that has happened how could I not change my mind but then why can't I open my mouth to say yes? I wanted to cry and to scream all at the same time but I couldn't do anything right now. I just stood there, staring … while he kneeled here, _waiting_. I don't know how long we stayed like this, unmoving, but it felt like at least an hour. _Maybe more even_. It wouldn't have matter if I hadn't tried changing his mind about how he felt about me. If I had just left things alone in the first place then we'd probably already be married. … But I did and yet, _here we are_? Edward asking me to marry him; like none of that even matters. _Maybe it didn't_.

"Bella?" Edward whispered gaining my full attention once again. "You don't have to answer … I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that after everything that's been going on."

Edward stopped smiled as he was speaking now and he even turned his head away from me. Looking anywhere but at me. I still wasn't sure how I was feeling or even what I was really thinking now, going back and forth as he waited. I just needed a minute to get my head together but Edward seemed to have other plans. My voice was still frozen when he looked back up at me and now I could see a tear hiding at the corner of his eye. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but I felt like I was choking instead. He started to stand and dropped my hand that he had been holding. The ring box was closed and put back in his pocket. I watched in slow motion as Edward turned his back on me and my hope fell.

"W, … wait!" I stuttered, reaching out to grab his arm. "Wait, Edward … I, umm I didn't answer. Please just give me a minute."

He turned to look at me surprised. "Uh okay." Edward said slowly … cautiously. "I can wait if you want me to, Bella."

I took a deep breath to settle my nerves and clear my head. "You really want to marry me?" I asked trying not to sound shocked.

"More than anything … I was thinking about it the night I first brought you here." Edward said while looking around. "But after what _happened _and _what you said_, … I didn't think you would really say yes back then. … _I guess I still don't_."

"You did?" I asked completely taken by surprise. "But … why haven't you said anything before? … Because _I_ never gave you the chance, did I? OH Edward, I'm so, so, sorry!"

"Bella, it alright." Edward said as he rushed back and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. "I always wanted to wait until you were ready but I never thought you would just disappear from my life like that. And now, after everything I just _drop _this on you? … I don't know what I was thinking!"

"Did you mean it?" I asked in a whisper against his chest.

"With all of my broken heart!" Edward breathed into my hair and we stood like this for a while longer, just holding each other.

"I guess we should tell Alice to get her wedding plans back out." I mused after a long moment of peaceful silence. "She was right."

He chuckled. "She usually is!" Edward said happily and I couldn't help but to laugh with him. "Is that a yes?"

I pulled away from him and smiled when he started to frown at me. "Yes! … I will marry you, Edward Cullen!" I answered just as happy as he was. "I would love nothing more than to marry you!"

Then everything was lost to me, since Edward forcefully pulled me up into his arms and kissed me with a passion too strong to focus through. When I realized what was happening, I kissed him back with all I had. He was now spinning us around with me still in his arms and our lips never parted. I've never seem him so … _happy_ before! After all the suffering we both have gone through in the last few months, this was exactly what we needed. _Bliss_, … complete and total bliss in each other's arms again. The spinning stopped after a few minutes but the kissing lasted for what seemed to be hours. Somehow, _don't ask me how_, we made our way over to the small bench like before. This time, it was perfect. This place and everything in the world was just perfect. I was going to marry Edward Cullen and nothing else matter. _Screw__ that poor women that was meant for him; she probably wouldn't have understood the treasure she saw before her anyway_. There seemed be a slight chill to the air now but I couldn't find it in myself to care, Edward was kissing me and I was happy. Nothing, not even cold shivers, could make me stop at this moment. … Or at least I though nothing could. Edward had other plans cause he _DID _pull away from me.

"No, … where are you going now?" I complained with a frown.

He chuckled softly as he looked up at the sky. "Bella, its getting late." Edward said as if that answered everything. "And its getting cold. You'll freeze out here if we don't go soon."

"SO?" I answered stubbornly. "I don't care. I don't want to stop."

He stood as reached out to take my hand. "Please Love, we can continue once we get back to my place?" Edward pleaded.

My stare moved between his hand and his lips for a moment before I caved with a sigh. "Ok fine." I conceded and took his hand.

I allowed Edward to help me and suddenly he was pulling me into his side and wrapped an arm around me securely to keep out the cold. I smiled up at him as he lead me away from the bench and this beautiful place once again. We were just passing the little fountain when I realized we'd forgotten something. The box.

"Edward wait." I said as I stopped walking, he looked back at me confused before I turned around. "You're box, we almost forget it."

"Oh, right." Edward said slowly glancing back at the box still laying on the ground. "It is everything I had from before that reminded me of you. I really don't want to loose those now."

I watched as he rushed back to get the box and ran over to me again. Box in one arm and me in the other as we continued walking back behind all the destroyed buildings. By the time we rounded the corner something else came to mind. I wanted to stay with Edward and keep holding him until we got back to his place _to continue where we left off in the park _… but we brought separate cars here. I also didn't see his when I pulled up so where had he parked? Well, I guess it doesn't matter really. Which ever car we take the other can get theirs tomorrow or something.

"Umm Bella, where did you park your car?" Edward asked.

"Where you parked the last time we were here." I told him. "I don't even remember how I got here, honestly. I was just driving around and somehow after texting you … I found myself parked there."

"Oh, … ok." Edward answered but continued leading me down a different path, probably towards his car now.

Edward continued to walk for a while before unwrapping his right arm from around me and pulling out his cell phone. He pushed a few buttons quickly and then put it back in his pocket. I was back in his arms within a few moments, I barely felt the chill in the air. We also walked around a half crumbling building to find an unfamiliar site before us. It was a plan black junk car … from the looks of it. At first I wasn't sure why it was sitting out here but then I remember that Alice had said he has sold his cars.

"Oh Edward, … what are you going to do?" I asked as I stopped in front of this very '_unlike Edward' _car.

He looked confused at first. "About what Bella? If you're worried about your car, don't be." He said calmingly. "I just text Alice and Jasper to come deliver it to my place for you."

"No, not my car … Yours!" I said looking at the sad reminder of what I'd caused him to do, Edward has lost everything because of me and even after all that he still asked me to marry him.

"Oh, … no worries Bella." Edward said chuckling as he helped me into the car. "I can get everything back easily. I have all of the important things right here so that's what really matters."

"But, … but what about your Volvo?" I asked shocked. "What about your baby, the Aston … _something_? Your special car?"

"The Aston martin V12 vanquish." Edward answered as he got into the car himself. "Yes that was a very special car to me and I can buy it back, Bella. At the time, the only thing that really mattered to me, I thought I'd never get back. … Bella, you are more important to me than ANY _car_ or apartment, or anything!"

"But … it was your baby and your Volvo?" I just couldn't wrap my head around Edward without his two favorite cars. "And what is this thing anyway? It looks like something a normal person should be driving … not one of the Cullen's."

Edward was busting a gut laughing now. "This is still a Volvo." He answered still slightly laughing as he drove down the road again. "It is a Volvo S70 1998. A good car for what its worth."

"This is a Volvo?" I asked even more shocked. "This looks like something I would drive! It looks like a junk car Rose would cry if she saw one of you driving? … This is sad to see you driving."

"Well, then I'll have to fix that tomorrow." Edward answered simply. "But for tonight, I'm taking you home and I'm not letting you out of my sight this time. You can't run away now, soon to be Mrs. Cullen. Besides, we have a few months of making up to do."

"Soon to be … Like exactly how soon are we talking?" I asked a little nervous now, I know I said yes but did he mean there would be a wedding in like … this year?

"Well Alice has been basically planning everything since we started hanging out back in high school … so its probably safe to say a wedding can be put together the second you want one." Edward answered with this huge smile on his face.

"You really think she kept everything all this time?" I asked avoiding looking at him now, staring at the window.

"Come on, Bella. Its Alice!" Edward answered as if it was insane to think otherwise, … _which it was_. "Is, … is that a problem? Because Bella if you're not ready to get married now then we can wait. … We don't even have to tell anyone we are engaged if you don't want to. You'll have to be careful around Alice with the ring then. You know she can spot one miles away."

I didn't want to hurt him by making him wait longer, but was I ready to get married? "No, … its ok. I just don't want Alice to go over the top with everything. A simple wedding is fine with me." I answered as calmly as I could and I hoped he'd leave it as that.

Edward pulled up to his apartment and started looking all around the door once we walked up. He seemed to be looking for something but couldn't find it. Then he picked something out of a hidden pocket in the frame work. … A key it looked like and unlocked his apartment. Alice must have his house keys and that's a spare. I doubt he ever had to use it before this moment.

"Bella you can have full veto powers on anything my crazy sister wants you to do … _as long as you are happy_!" Edward told me happily as he took my hand and lead me back into his place.

"Yeah … like Alice would really listen to veto." I muttered to myself and I heard Edward chuckle as we sat on his couch together. "I really did miss this place. … _I missed you_."

"You have no idea how much I missed you." Edward answered back and I could still see a shadow of his sadness.

I couldn't stand to see that anymore and I vowed to myself that I'd never be the one to make him feel that way again. From this moment on, I will never leave Edward's side unless he tells me to. Edward really is the love of my life and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I am capable. Its time to stop breaking my heart!

He shook his head slightly. "Now, … where were we?" Edward asked as he smiled down at me and then pulled me on to his lap, where stayed for another few hours.

…

I don't know how or even when they did it but when Edward and I came up for air, we found my car outside Edward's apartment building. Alice and Jasper must have brought it like Edward said they would but we never even noticed. We must have been to busy enjoying each other's … company to notice anything. Of course there is also the chance that they never tried to gain our attention either. If I know Alice, she wouldn't want to intrude. Although, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it once we start talking again.

"She won't be too rough on you." Edward whispered in my ear from behind me as he came to wrap me in his arms again.

"Umm Are we thinking about the same Alice?" I asked jokingly … mostly. "She'll be very unhappy with me at first."

"But she'll get over it the second you say wedding." Edward explained as if it really was that simple.

"Did you want me alive after I talked to her?" I asked faking shock. "Cause if I jump in with wedding plans she'll surely kill me in the first five minutes of being back around her again."

"Now, now. Bella you've overreacting." Edward said softly and bent down so he could kiss along my neck line, everything else forgotten and all I wanted was to stay lost with him forever.

…

Somehow we ended up in his bed room to take a nap and I found myself waking up alone, hours later. At first I was panicking because I didn't know where he had gone but when I got up to look for him. He was just sitting in the living room watching TV. I walked over to join him and curled up by his side, it was nice laying with him like this. _It felt almost normal again to be back together _… almost as if none of this happened in the first place, … _**almost**_. There were still a few sore spots to remind me of what I'd done to him and myself … and well _everyone else really_. I'd cause everyone so much unnecessary pain over the last few months but now that's all over and I'm going to try and make things right.

"This is nice." Edward mused as he softly played with my hair while I laid next to him on the couch. "Being us again."

"Yeah, I think so too." I answered as I smiled up at him. "So when do we have to face the rest of the world again?"

"Whenever you're ready to." Edward answered. "My family will probably try to come over for breakfast tomorrow … since it is my day to have it at my place. They probably know we are back together now since I told Alice to bring your car here."

"You're mom still does that with you guys?" I asked a little amused remembering all the mornings I'd spend with them all.

"Well, I haven't really been apart of them for a while lately but I'm sure they still had them." Edward told me honestly.

"I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused, Edward." I squeezed his hand slightly to prove how honest that statement was.

"Nonsense, it was me that left my family." Edward told me and he leaned down to kiss my forehead lightly. "Its better now."


	7. Ch7 Porcelain Doll, part 6

Breaking your own heart, part 6

Porcelain Doll

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Porcelain Doll' I simply fell in love with it online!

Alice's POV.

_**I can't believe those two**_! I just don't get them at all. They make me so frustrated and yet … _I have to love them_. First Bella walks out of all of our lives for reasons unknown to anyone and then Edward soon after just drops off the face of the planet. After which we all try to gain his focus back and he ignores all of us, _including me_! Then he starts acting all crazy like he's going to do something _incredible stupid _and he still doesn't take to anyone. I tell Bella about it and she acts like _I'm talking nonsense _or like she doesn't even care that my brother could be about to physically harm himself! _All of which is followed by a text message from __**my idiot brother**__, telling me everything is __**fine **__and to go get Bella's car to bring back to __**his apartment!**_ No explanation or anything. Just Hey, got get her car from this really far and crappy place! _**MAN**_, he makes me so _MAD _sometimes and Bella is just the same! WELL, I got news for them, they will explain at breakfast tomorrow. There is _NO WAY _he is getting out of this one now! Edward and Bella with both be there, _I'm guessing_, and so will everyone else!

"Alice, Love?" Jasper said calmly as he came to place a hand on my shoulder. "Are you still fuming about Edward and Bella?"

"NO!" I lied completely unconvincingly. "I'm just so, … _SO MAD _at them right now. I mean, how could they not tell me anything?"

He chuckled softly behind me. "Yes I know." Jasper agreed. "But Alice is it possible they didn't have time to explain what happened last night because they were a little busy making up for lost time? I mean they were apart for whatever reason for months."

"No. … maybe." I finally agreed with a pout. "But still, its been like twelve hours now. Why haven't they called to explain?"

"Because they are a little too busy dealing with whatever was keeping them apart, Love." Jasper explained again, _I still didn't like that answer anymore then the last six times I'd heard it_.

Jasper came up behind me and pulled me back until I was flat against him. He was leaning down just enough so his lips were right on the edge of my right ear. I instinctively leaned into him and allowed myself to completely melt away, _my husband was really good at making me forget what I was doing_. It wasn't always fair … but honestly, _I couldn't complain too much_. My mind slipped away as I felt his warm breath brash across my neck.

"Ok, that's enough now." Jasper whispered softly. "Its time to pay attention to something else now … like _your husband _maybe?"

I was putty at his feet now and just when I thought things couldn't get better, _Jasper suddenly tightened his grip on me and throw me over his shoulder_. I was squealing and giggling before I realized he started running through the house now. I wasn't sure what his new plan was but _I'm sure I was going to love it more than pouting_. He was running up the stairs now with me still on his shoulder and into our bedroom. Jasper didn't stop running as he sprinted towards the bed and with me still in his arms; _Jasper jumped onto the bed_! I couldn't believe he just did that, _it was fun_, but still! He's insane!

"JASPER!" I squeaked as I managed to crawl my way out of his arms and tried to glare back at my mad man.

He didn't look worried, he smiled at me. "What, my Love?" Jasper asked as if nothing was wrong with what he did.

"Oh I don't know, … How about that little joy ride onto the bed?" I asked mockingly and angry at him, it was becoming difficult.

"Oh, … I thought it was fun." Jasper said with a wink and then his smile became brighter as he pulled me in for a kiss.

I couldn't resist him now and my smile became too bright as I kissed him back. My husband was a little insane sometimes but that's what I really love about him. Even though I know almost everything about him, he can still take me by surprise. He can still make my heart pound like a girl in high school talking to her first crush! Everything about him still made me want him more. Also no matter how I'm feeling Jasper always knows how to make it even better than I could have possibly imagined! I don't know what I'd do with my loving husband but I'm glad I never have to find out. I was even happier that neither of us had anything else to do tonight!

…

The next morning I woke up completely satisfied and happy! Jasper was laying next to me smiling as he watched me slowly creep back to life. I must have been out for hours because all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I loved mornings like this when I could curl up in his arms and wake up as slow as I needed. Nothing else could be better than laying in his arms after a night like last night! Everything was perfect, … well _almost _perfect.

"Can I go kill them now?" I asked looking up smiling. "Please!"

He chuckled softly before kissing my forehead. "Sure, Love. What ever you say, Alice." Jasper told me before I rushed off to get dressed. "Don't hurt yourself trying to get to the closet!"

"Ha, ha. I'm not goi… OUCH!" I started but then I hit the door frame when I turned to argue with him. "Oh, that doesn't count."

He rushed to my side quickly. "Alice, are you okay?" Jasper asked looking very worried and kissed my shoulder.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I said frowning because I knew he'd stop kissing if I said that but I didn't want him to worry over nothing. "Can we please get dressed now, everyone will be waiting."

"Of course … if you're sure you are alright." Jasper said turning to grab some clothes for himself before looking back at me for complete assurance that I was okay.

"Yep! Peachy as pie." I stated as I bounce over to the bathroom to get ready for the day and to get dressed.

We got everything ready to go and quickly found ourselves in the car. Jasper allowed me to drive my new Porsche. He was always so sweet to me and pretty much gave me anything I asked for. Jazzy was the greatest husband any girl with a shopping addiction could have, … not that I'm saying I have a problem. _Cause I don't_! I just happen to really love shopping and since money isn't an issue for me or my family, it doesn't matter how much I like it. I also don't only shop for myself so that makes it even better. I shop for everyone around me, cause lets face it … _they could use the help_!

…

We arrived at Edward's place just as Emmett, Rose and Mom pulled up. It was perfect timing on everyone's part. There was nothing left to do but pound on the door until those two love birds let us in, because they weren't getting out of this breakfast. No chance in hell would I leave this spot until they opened the door. Just as I was about to storm my way and knock as loud as I could, Edward opened the door and greeted us with a bright smile. We all looked completely shocked at his sudden change in attitude. The last time we'd seen him, he was on the verge of self destruction. For a while, _I was certain he was coming close to harming himself _but now, looking at him … you'd never be able to tell.

"Welcome back family." Edward said happily as he lead us all inside. "Please come in, Bella is waiting in the living room."

"Alright Freaky smile boy, what did you do with Edward?" Emmett asked as he circled our newly excited brother.

"Oh I'm so glad to see the two of you back together, Dear." Our mother said just as happy when she pulled him into a hug.

"Yes, … so am I." Edward responded with a hidden secrete in his eyes and now I was even more confused than ever, _**I hated it**_!

"We are all here for breakfast." I announced obviously. "So, Mom will start cooking while the rest of us catch up. Right?"

"Oh, of course." Mom answered after kissing her long lost son on the head again and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What the HELL MAN?" I asked once mother was out of ear shot. "Where the hell have you been and what's with the new … happy smiley faces? You owe us a lot of explanations after all the shit you put us through! Ok, so lets hear it, Brother."

"I think that will be best answered by Bella." Edward said simply and then walked off into the other room, we followed.

"Come on, out with it Bella." Rose demanded as we all walked into the living room to find Bella nervously waiting.

She wasn't watching the door so she jumped at the voice. "Oh, … umm sorry guys." Bella stuttered out as Edward moved to sit next to her, holding her hand instantly. "I know I owe you all so much and more than anything an explanation."

"Well, Yeah?" Emmett stated sharply but moved to sit on the other side of Bella and wrapped her into a tight, Emmett hug. "We've miss you so much Sis, don't do that again!"

"Aww, thanks Emm." Bella said softly smiling as she hugged him back. "I'm so sorry, everyone. I missed all of you as well!"

"Then what the hell happened?" Rose demanded again as she walked over and sat on the arm of the couch next to Bella.

_Hold on, this was my attack fest_! "Bella, why did you disappear like that and what the hell happened that night before Edward lost his mind? What happened last night and how is everything just back to normal again?" I snapped finally at my breaking point.

"Calm now, Alice." Jasper came to wrap his arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. "Calm down and breath.

"But, … BUT I want answers?" I whined simply as we sat on the couch opposite to everyone else.

"Yeah, well … I, umm …I just didn't feel I was. You know, good enough for Edward." Bella answered, stuttered out. "I left cause I couldn't tell him to leave me and I couldn't say goodbye to his face so I just left. It was all I could think of to do."

"The night I went crazy, as you so lovingly call it Sis." Edward started to explain his part as well. "Was the night I got tired of being ignored and tried to sneak into Bella's room to talk. Only she thought I was … someone else and then I tried to get her to explain. It didn't go so well and I got the wrong impression. Mostly I got that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. So I left and I thought I would move on, … if she did so should I. But I couldn't and I decided I could keep living with her in my head."

"You're plan sucked." Bella interrupted teasingly.

"Yeah I know that now." Edward joking glared down at her before looking back at us again. "Anyway, I had planned to erase everything about me and my life that had to do with Bella."

"You planned to _off _yourself?" Emmett asked sounding completely stunned, as if he hadn't thought that before.

"SEE!" Bella broke out again. "That's what I thought too after we were texting that night. But somehow I ended up at the same place he was and we talked things all out."

"So, everything is better now?" Jasper asked calmly.

"Well, yeah." Bella answered looking at Edward. "Better is a good word for it cause we are happy again. We aren't going to break up like that ever again. We can promise that much."

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" I broke in. "How can you promise that? Bella you have NEVER thought you were good enough for Edward and Edward was never smart enough to FIX that! What makes you think this sort of thing won't happen again! I refuse to loose my best friend again just because my brother is an idiot!"

"HEY!" Edward and Emmett shouted out.

"I was talking about Edward this time, you nitwit!" I sighed while explaining to Emmett why he wasn't the idiot this time.

"Alice, its not going to happen again because I'm not letting her leave me again." Edward said confidently while only staring into Bella's eyes … _I was tempted to believe him_. "Ever again!"

"He'll do his best, I'm sure." Bella responded softly probably mostly muttering to herself. "We're still in love after all!"

"Wow, … this is all been really insane!" Rose muttered and rolled her eyes as she turned to ignore the situation.

"Well, this is just great." I huffed after a moment. "Nothing is ever going to change if you're just going to stay this porcelain doll!"

"Excuse me?" Bella asked confused as she finally looked away from my brother and stared blankly at me.

"Let me explain, I found this song online." I started simply. "Its called porcelain doll and the lyrics remind me so much of you both! OK just sit back and listen." With that, I started to sing the song with full memory of the lyrics and melody.

"Porcelain Doll by Michelle Hotaling"

_She's not just the face of a porcelain doll  
><em>_Another pretty face that you depend too much upon  
><em>_Time, another game, they try so hard to entertain  
><em>_Caught up in a losin' battle, with nothing left to gain_

_Chorus: But after the night comes, intentions can unfold  
><em>_As you take a little piece of her shattering soul  
><em>_And do you remember, choices made in pain  
><em>_Made you decide to never love again  
><em>_A worn-out soul, was never your goal  
><em>_Still you feel so alone …_

_Promises true, promise nothing at all  
><em>_Trust in disappointment and you'll never have to fall  
><em>_Once a circle starts, its so hard to break away  
><em>_But she's already broken in every simple way_

_But after the night comes, intentions can unfold  
><em>_As you take a little piece of her shattering soul  
><em>_And do you remember, choices made in pain  
><em>_Made you decide to never love again  
><em>_A worn-out soul, was never your goal  
><em>_Still you feel so alone _

_If you try now to escape, child, you'll never get away  
><em>_Guilt will chain you down by a haunted yesterday  
><em>_Still she'll wait, as her powers unfold  
><em>_Regains her strength once the truth has been told …  
><em>_By your, shattering soul …_

_After the night comes, intentions can unfold  
><em>_As you take another piece of each other's shattering soul  
><em>_And do you remember, choices made in pain  
><em>_Made you decide to never love again  
><em>_And you know baby its going round again _

_You're gonna remember, these choice are a reason for all of the pain  
><em>_A worn-out soul, was never your goal  
><em>_Still you feel so alone  
><em>_And do you remember, choices made in pain  
><em>_Made you decide to never love again  
><em>_A worn-out soul, was never your goal  
><em>_Still you feel so alone._

When I was finished, everyone was staring at me. Some in amazement, some in mere interest, others in disbelief but it was Bella's reaction I was looking at now. She got my point completely as I saw the tear running down her cheek. Edward was watching her now as well and tried to wipe away the tears as they fell. One wiped away only brought two more to fall in its place. I felt bad for having made her cry but I had be to sure this wouldn't happen again. I also felt my own tears blurring my vision and slipping from my eyes. Jasper kissed my cheek lightly before grasping my hand in his. Bella made no moves to stop Edward nor did I to stop Jasper but I knew she felt as I did just now. We needed to share these tears so she would understand what I was talking about.

"How dare you, ALICE?" Edward shouted suddenly making us all jump a little and brining our attention to him. "Bella's soul is beautiful and perfect … there's nothing shattered about it! She's not broken and she's not alone! She certainly won't EVER be alone again either! I'm never going to allow that to happen! How dare you come here and try to make her feel like this, Alice."

He had ended up shouting and yelling so much by the end that he had stood to stand over me. Mother even came out from the kitchen to see what the problem was but with his anger, everyone was too stunned to move. Jasper was becoming tense by my side and I could see Bella moving up behind Edward. She looked panicked and unsure of what to do. I wasn't afraid though, I knew I was right and he wasn't going to change my mind. Not this time!

"OH really! She's not Broken … not shattered? _WELL YOU WERE_!" I snapped back harshly. "_YOU _can't tell me, you weren't Edward Cullen! I saw you sell everything, and you were talking crazy. Sure you had a plan but it would have _**failed**_! And Bella wasn't much better, I'm certain of that otherwise she wouldn't be crying right now … _**WOULD SHE**_? Just _DEAL WITH IT_, BRO!"

"Alice, stop." Bella begged as she tried to pull Edward back to the couch, he wouldn't move … I stood to face him now.

"_**NO**_, she's right. …_ I _WAS A MESS." Edward agreed with a sourer note to his tone. "BUT I refuse to agree that Bella has anything to do with that stupid song! _Her soul is perfect_!"

"Kids, please. Calm down." Mother tried say but given the fact, _she knew Edward's temper better than most_, she held back.

"You know what?" I started sharply not caring about being nice anymore. "ITS _YOUR __**FAULT **_SHE'S **BROKEN**,ANYWAY! You are the reason Bella doesn't feel good enough! You could never change her mind on that and for some stupid reason, you always said you feel the same way about her! You never felt good enough to be with her either, so _GUESS WHAT HAPPENED_? Everyone lost because of _**YOU**_! If you would have just done what you should have done in the damn first place, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED! Bella and you could have been real happy. Married with little children by now, BUT NO, you had to give her time to realize she deserved better than you! Well she didn't and she took matters into her own hands, didn't SHE?"

Everyone was looking at me now. Blank stares mostly out of shock or fear for what was going to happen next. Edward still glared down at me and I glared back up at him. No one made any movement to stop us or any others really. I couldn't believe how horrible this morning was going. Bella and Edward were supposed to be back together and everyone be happy but I guess I was more upset than even I had realized. I nearly lost both of them forever! It wasn't fair that that had put all of us through that and I'd be damned if I gave them the chance to allow anything like this to happen again. I'd lock them in a box if that's what it would take!

"I asked her and she said yes, Alice." Edward spoke through his teeth after taking a long and deep breath. "She said yes."

And with that my anger was gone. … "Oh." I said simply as I completely relaxed. "Huh, … well ok then. …. Carry on."

"WAIT, _**WHAT**_?" A chorus of voice called out at once.


	8. Ch8 Penguin, Nurture, part 7

Breaking your own heart, part 7

Penguin, Nurture.

A/N: I found this online and thought it was pretty cool. I used this as part of my inspiration for this little chapter.  
>http: encouragedegg(dot)wordpress(dot)com /2010/06/19/the-emperor/

Esme's POV.

After Edward and Alice's little out busts, everything calmed down considerably. _I so hated to see my darling children acting so cruelly towards each other_ but sometimes it was best not to get in their ways. Edward and Alice are so close and yet sometimes they seem to be at odd ends with the other. _My poor kids_. As a mother, I was glad to see everyone getting along so well again but also as a mother, _I wish I could understand what happen in the first place_. Well, at least in this I'm not the only one. Alice seemed to understand Edward's announcement completely but the rest of us were even more confused than when they were fighting. Edward had said nothing more about it, no matter how much the others had begged. Bella seemed worried about something and kept glancing between Edward and Alice. She probably knew more than anyone just what had happened between the two of them. _My poor girl_, Bella didn't quite feel likes belongs here yet, but I truly wish she would realize how much we all love her soon! I quickly returned to the kitchen, _as soon as I felt everyone had calmed down_, to cook.

"Hopefully I can finish before something else happens out there." I whispered to myself as I was finishing up with breakfast.

I was cooking a very simple breakfast for this morning. I thought that would be best because of all the lost time between my children and myself. We all missed each other so much and it shows. Everyone was so heartbroken when sweet Bella left but then Edward was pulling away from us and my family was falling apart. We all needed this morning together to show our love again. Of course I could still hear bits of what was going on in the other room, and as I set the dinning room table I heard more. As a mother I tired not to listen in on my children's conversations, _more so now that they were grown_, but sometimes you just … _over hear things_.

"_This makes NO sense_?" I overheard Emmett complaining.

"_Doesn't matter. … I'm not … Stop, Emm_." Edward was saying but I only got bits of his sentences.

"_Stop smiling so much Alice_!" Bella mumbled softly.

"_I can smile if I want_!" Alice responded and you could even hear the smile rooted deep in her happy voice, _it was nice to hear_.

The table was set and there was nothing left to do but call them in to join me again. Thankful that everyone seemed to be back to normal … _well as normal as my family could be_. Thinking about my loving family often reminded me of something I've read online once. It was an article about penguins. _Such lovely creators penguins are_,they share a life long bond with one other partner and that love only grows when an egg is born. These animals put a nearly inconceivable amount of work into just surviving. First, finding their one mate in a crowd of thousands when it matters most, and then _finally reproducing_. Emperor penguins express this undying love better than most, I believe. Emperor penguins make a long migration in autumn to breed in one of the most frigid, harsh, icy and desolate places on Earth. They also have _passion _in their DNA so strong that they are born just a small bird, but with a _monumental soul_. They have to survive so much just to be born!

…

First, the males began to guard their eggs. For months, they withstand brutal winds and numbing temperatures without food to nurture their small counterparts within the fragile shells. They hold the eggs between their little penguin legs, in a warm and furry place. They take great care to ensure the developing life does not end up on the frozen ground just inches away. They never take a break. Parents can never truly rest when they are so dedicated to ensuring the safety of their young ones. My husband does so much for our family, even if he can't always be around as much as a male penguin. Carlisle is home much more often than most doctors and for that we are all happy. But thinking back, the female penguins have it just as bad. They go to hunt and gather while the males watch after the eggs. They head to the oceans where countless perils await so that they can bring back food for their mates. It is fascinating how much they are willing to risk in order to care for their loved ones back on land. After all those months, in an endless sea of twinned penguins, the same female finds the same male from before she left. The female penguin returns with food for the unshakable mates. At the end of the harsh season, as the summer begins, the chicks are born. The females nurture the new young, and eventually migrate home until mating season begins again.

"Kids, breakfast is ready!" I called as my thoughts came back to the present and I places the food on the table to be shared.

"Alright! I'm starved, thanks MOM!" Emmett said as always and when he passed he places a kiss on my cheek.

"Yeah, everything looks great Mom." Rose said as she came in to sit next to my over-grown man child, _bless his heart_.

"Yes, Mrs. Cullen." Bella agreed quietly as she came walking in hand-in-hand with my youngest son, who was smiling again. "Everything looks wonderful and I'm sorry for all the trouble."

"Oh it was no trouble at all." I told her even though I know she wasn't just talking about me in the kitchen.

"It always looks good, Mom is the best!" Edward said as he held Bella closer before leading her to sit beside him.

Everyone came in and started eating once we were all sitting. Alice had been mostly quiet during breakfast but always had a smile. This wasn't truly normal for her but something was clearly on her mind and _since it wasn't bad_, I didn't feel need to worry. Everyone else shared in a little conversation between the table but mostly we all just eat and enjoyed being together again. This was a very nice visit after all this time apart. _I was so happy to have this back_! I was so truly happy to see all of my children happy again and hoped very much that we could all remain this way. To remain one big happy family again, forever. I wished so many other families could join together and get along as well as ours. We truly were the lucky ones it seemed and I couldn't be more grateful for everything I had. As a mother of so many delightful children, I felt more blessed than anyone could possibly feel. My family was truly my life_, even though most didn't truly come from me_, they will always be mine!


	9. Ch9 Walking on Minefields, part 8

Breaking your own heart, part 8

Walking on Minefields.

Edward's POV.

Breakfast with my family went about as well as can be expected. Alice throw a major fit and somehow got my tension levels above normal. But then a simple phrase calmed her like a flip of a switch. _Sometimes Alice was the easiest person to set off but also so easy to please_. Nothing else happened that night, drama wise. Emmett and the others kept asking what Alice and I were talking about _but since Bella wasn't ready to tell yet_, Alice was the only one that knew. I'm sure I'll be hearing all about that from Bella later. Alice was the one she wanted to know the least of all right now, _but it was either kill my little sister or tell her_. I told her to shut her up! Bella will find it in her heart to forgive me at some point, _I hoped at least_. Once everyone else had left I escaped into my room to take a shower and somehow ended up face down in my pillows on the bed. This was somehow relaxing even though _I could tell that water was soaking into my sheets from my body_. I apparently didn't care in this moment so I just laid here for a while. Time seemed to pass me by in a blur as I relaxed farther into the mattress. Sleep almost seemed to be the only thing left and then something slammed into my back and covered my eyes with its hands.

"_OW_, Oh … Hey, what the hell?" I muttered as I realized I was under some kind of attack. "What's going on now?"

Someone had jumped onto my back and used their legs to tangle up with mine. I was unable to see since my eyes were covered but my arms were free. I reached around and grabbed whoever this was around the waist. Without thinking, I pulled them from on top of me and swung around quickly to pin them beneath me instead.

"Alright, now wh…" I started to demand to know who they were but froze mid sentence when I was mesmerized by two shimmering pools of melting chocolate. "Bella? What, … what are you doing?"

"Well that didn't go as planned." Bella muttered looking surprised and sounding slightly disappointed. "Sorry."

"Bella? … Oh, _OH_." I said in shock again when realized I was still pinning her to my bed under me, … _forcefully_. "Uh Sorry! Are you okay? … I didn't hurt you, did I Bella?"

I quickly removed my hands from her arms and climbed off from on top of her to sit beside her on the bed. She was watching me like I had just fallen into a mud puddle and she was trying not to laugh. _She was doing a horrible job at trying but still_. Bella was still laying flat across my bed as she smiled up at me in my panicked state. I stared down at her in surprise and tried to calm down, clearly she wasn't hurt but _that didn't stop my eyes from glancing back to her wrist to check for discolorations_. Of course that had nothing to do with my eyes glancing over the rest of her as she laid beside me. Sure she was still wearing the same thing she's had on all day but now it was different. _She was in my bed now_.

"I was trying to sneak attack you but I guess I forgot that you are freakishly strong compared to my weak klutziness." Bella said as she laughed about my momentary freak out … _Great_.

"I guess, I over reacted." I said sheepishly. "I kinda thought that you had gone home like everyone else."

She stopped smiling then and sat up frowning. "Oh." Bella whispered softly. "Oh, I didn't even think about that."

"N, … Not that I'm not happy to see otherwise." I stumbled out as I realized what she must have thought from that, I pulled her into my arms now. "In fact, I'm glad to see you haven't left yet."

"Are you sure, cause I could leave?" Bella said quickly as she looked around me at the clock. "Its getting late and you looked like you were trying to rest before I jumped on you. … Again, _sorry_."

"No, really!" I answered quickly, probably too quickly. "I want you to stay, I'm happy that you stayed and even that you attacked me."

"Now I know you're just messing with me." Bella said rolling her eyes but I saw she smile playing at the corner of her mouth, _I desperately wanted to kiss her then_.

"No, really." I said smiling and I winked. "I really should have known it was you, but you see, I was almost asleep."

"So I just caught you … off guard?" Bella asked raising an eye brow at me, it was very rare for me to have my guard down.

"Exactly but now I'm wide awake and happy to see you." I answered honestly. "I want you to stay, … stay the nigh even?"

"Oh, … so you can trap me here while Alice drives me insane with wedding plans?" Bella asked skeptically.

I laughed. "Bella, Alice isn't even here and honestly … she's the farthest thing from my mind right now." I told her and my eyes glanced back between her eyes and her lips.

"So, … then what do you want me here … all night for?" Bella asked as I caught her staring at my lips as well, she was trying to mess with me now … _playing games_.

"Well, we could stay up and talk." I answered as off handed as I could manage. "Catch up since its been so long, or watch a few movies. We could just sleep if you wanted. Or we could do _**this**_!"

Before she could really answer anything or do anything, _I pulled Bella closer to me and kissed her_. Just as I've been waiting to for so long now. She was surprised at first but it didn't take too long for her to join in on the kissing. _Soon we were both kissing with such passion and all of the emotions we'd been feeling lately_. It was so strange to have Bella back in my life like this, almost as if none of this even happened. _But it did happen _and I'd never let it come that close to happening ever again. Bella will never feel that way ever again and _I'll never have to feel lost without her here_. The passion in our kisses only seemed to grow as time passed and even though we were just making out, it was still a magical night. _Definitely going into one of my top favorite nights with Bella_.

She pulled back to take a breath, so I kissed her neck. "Wow, … out … of breath." She muttered smiling.

"Good." I murmured against her skin as I continued kissing her, I didn't want to stop kissing Bella, ever. "I'm very happy, Bella."

"I'm … happy … too, Edward." Bella was smiling and her eyes were closed as she enjoyed the feel of my lips on her.

As Bella's breathing started to calm back down, I started calming down myself. My breathing was fine as far as I was concerned but more like my constant need for contact between us was becoming satisfied. … _No_, that's not right. _Not satisfied _… not like I could even get enough of my Bella but more like the desperation has lessened. I was happy again and that's not a feeling I'd been used to in the last few months, it would take some getting used to again. As Bella simply snuggled into my arms and laid her head against my chest, I could tell she felt the same way. Bella and I curled up on my bed, comfortably for the next few hours. As time passed us _in a much calmer way_, I noticed she was slowly drifting off. She'd looked so tired the lately and I could tell she hadn't been sleeping well. I wished that I could change that before and now, _here was my chance_. There wasn't anything that was going to wake my Bella once she finally started to get the sleep she needed.

…

Once Bella was fully asleep I carefully got up to turn out the lights and make sure everything was perfectly quiet. _I didn't want something to go off and woke her_. When I got back into the room Bella was still sleeping but she looked as if she was having a nightmare. I quickly but carefully climbed back into bed with her and covered us both with the comforter. Once I was pulled her into my arms she seemed to relax again so maybe she was just cold. Or … _and this thought pleased me a lot_, maybe she just missed me. Either way, she was back to being relaxed and fast asleep in my arms. After a while of just watching her dream and _gently playing with her hair_, I glanced at the clock to find it was very late. I myself was quickly feeling my eyes droop and was fighting sleep. I just wanted to stay up and watch her a little longer but _my body had other plans_. Before too long, I was drifting to sleep beside her.

"Wake up." A soft voice whispered into my ear. "Oh Edward, wake up. Come on silly, you've been out for hours now."

I groaned at the voice, completely unwilling to wake up. "N, no." I half spoke through my tired lips. "Sleep now."

I could feel someone's breath against my cheek now. "Edward, wake up. …. Please?" The sweet voice begged again.

At this point it didn't feel like I had much choice. "Fine." I muttered and tried to lift my head but my eyes refused to open.

"Edward!" The soft sweet voice was frustrated as my head fell back on to my pillows. "Fine, then I'll just eat alone."

That seemed to get my attention, my eyes opened and my mind clicked everything together. "Bella?" I asked drowsily.

"Of course Silly, who did you think it was?" Bella asked as she smiled down at my tired and sleepy face. "Were you dreaming about another girl I should know about?"

"NO, of course not Bella." I answered quickly; _even though I couldn't remember my dream, I knew it had no one else_.

"Good, then lets go get some breakfast." Bella said simply. "I'm starving and I know its early but get out of bed!"

I rolled over with a moan and looked at the clock upside down. "Uhhh Bella, its almost noon?" I said in reply to her early comment. "I guess I should have been out of bed hours ago."

"Ok, well whatever then." Bella said waving it off as she grabbed my arm and started dragging me off the bed.

"Ok, ok. I'm coming Bella." I answered while laughing.

As I got out of bed, Bella rushed out the door and left me to get ready. As I was changing for the day I realized something. Bella has been here two nights now and she's been wearing the same cloths since I brought her here after our reunion. I guess I haven't been doing a very good job at taking care of her again. Bella and I haven't done much eating or sleeping … or even changing cloths for a new day. With this thought in mind I started going through my closet and dresser, looking for anything that could pass for something to fit her small form. I didn't have much to offer her but finally I found an old shirt and a small pair of shorts she could borrow. After we ate she could take a shower and change before I drove us over to her house for a better outfit. From now on, I'll make sure I take much better care of her and everything she needs.

"So, am I cooking or since its lunch time I could order out?" I asked as I walked out into the kitchen.

"I already cooked." Bella answered as she placed two plates of food on the table for us. "I just finished as I came to wake you."

"Wow" I said in pleasant surprise as I sat down beside her. "Wow, Bella this all looks amazing and smells so great!"

"Its not everyday I get to wake up before you and have time to beat you to the kitchen." Bella teased as we both started eating.

"Normally I'd have something to say about that teasing." I started to tell her as I ate. "But honestly, this is too good to argue over."

"Well, thank you Edward!" She said happily. "I'm glad you like everything so much. I was hoping to surprised you."

"You succeeded. I told her. "Oh by the way, I found an old outfit you can borrow so you can shower up before I run to home for a better outfit. Its not much but it will work until you get home."

"Oh, ok." Bella said simply. "Thanks, Edward."

"Plus I'd also like to talk to your father." I started to explain. "I know you don't want people to know about it yet. And I truly am sorry for having to tell Alice the other night but I think Charlie should have a little heads up. After all, I asked you without getting his approval first and that's not the correct way to do this so he should at the very least he should be second to know, right?"

She froze with her fork just at her lips. "You _WHAT_?" She gasped and dropped her fork, staring at me. "You want to tell Charlie that we're engaged? Are you INSANE?"

"Bella, Love. Its not like we are a couple of teenagers anymore." I said calmly. "We are in love and Charlie has gotten used to the idea of us being together. You used to spend more time at my place than his house anyway. He should be ok with this."

"Probably not, … not after these last few mouths." Bella whispered with her head down, I barely heard what she said.

"He's been blaming me for what happened to us." It wasn't a question, _I knew he would have _and he was correct. "Good, it was my fault Bella, and someone should hold me accountable. Other than Alice but she's over it by now. Look, if we go in and explain everything maybe he'll see this is a good thing. It means nothing like that will ever happen between us ever again."

"Yeah … but … ?" Bella started slowly. "But what if he still doesn't like the idea? I don't want him blaming you Edward. And why does he have to be told today? Can't it wait a little while?"

"I didn't mean for it to seem like I'm rushing things Bella." I explained apologetically. "I just thought it would be a good idea to tell him before too many other's find out first. Not that I plan on telling anyone else until you are ready to … but at some point."

"Yeah … but its not like the wedding in tomorrow." Bella started. "So, there's time to wait before we have to tell Dad. Alice is going to have to keep her mouth shut until we decide on a date."

"Of course Bella." I agreed happily. "If you want to wait then we can wait to tell the others until you are ready. As long as when we are alone you still allow me to call you, my fiancée."

"F, Fi, … _Fiancée_?" Bella muttered out in shock.

I couldn't help it, her face was too adorable not to smile at. "Yes Bella, fiancée. You know, since you have my ring. You said yes to my question. And all that means we are engaged, that makes you my fiancée and I, yours. Unless you prefer the future Mrs. Cullen?"

"Ok, don't even joke with me like that!" Bella snapped. "Edward its scary enough to think that Alice is going to be bringing out that damn book again but now there are titles involved? I'm not ready for any of this. We just got back together and now you want me act like a fiancée? We've never lived together, yet we are engaged to be married? How'd that happen?"

"Bella, calm down, Love." I guess everything was just getting too much for her, I reached out and took her hand. "Its going to be alright Bella. We don't have to tell anyone or do anything about this now. I won't call you that if you'd rather I didn't. I never meant to upset with all of this, I was just teasing. I'm sorry, Bella."

She took a deep breath. "No, … no I'm sorry." Bella answered calmer now. "I'm sorry I snapped. I guess I just hadn't realized what all I had been saying yes to before. But I'm ok now."

"I guess marriage is a pretty big step and you were right, we've not lived together yet." I hadn't thought before about what a big step it would feel like to Bella, _to me it just felt natural_. "Although, with as much time as you used to spend over here, it almost felt like we did live together. Maybe we should take a few steps back for a while. Take some time to get used to the whole situation."

"I don't want to step backwards, Edward." Bella said confidently. "I just don't want to jump three steps ahead before my head can adjust to the new changes. Maybe one step at a time?"

"Ok, then … what's the next step?" I asked trying to keep up.

"Umm, well I'm going to take a shower and get dressed." Bella said after some thought. "Then you'll drive us back to Charlie's so I can get a few things packed. After that we'll come back here to talk about it some more. Talk about all the steps."

"Ok, seems like a great plan to me." I answered as I cleared the table from our now finished breakfast/lunch meal.

"OK. Then its settled." Bella said happily as she rushed off to me room again. "Thanks for the borrowed clothes!" She called out.

While I was waiting for Bella to finish her shower and _getting dressed_, I started cleaning up the kitchen. It wasn't that much to do _since Bella usually cleaned as she cooked_. It amazed me how much she got done while I was just sleeping away. All that time I could have been awake with her, _**wasted**_ on stupid sleep. Well, _maybe I'll just have to find a way to make up for our lost time together_. Not just from while I was sleeping the day away either. All the time we lost from when Bella tried to take herself away from me. I'd have to make up for that lost time as well … _and soon_. Of course, once she becomes my _wife _we'll have all the time in the world to be together. I'd do anything and everything to make her happy.


	10. Ch10 Wild Plan,P 9 &New Beginnings, P 10

Ch10, part 9 & 10.

Breaking your own heart, part 9  
>Wild Plan.<p>

Bella's POV.

After I finished with my shower I quickly rushed to get dressed. Edward was nice enough to pick out some of his smallest things for me. They were still a little big on me though. A pair of old shorts that if I rolled up the top a little just barely kept from falling off my hips and a T-shirt that could hold two of me inside. It wasn't a perfect fit but they were comfortable and in any case, they were clean. I hadn't really noticed until Edward said something but I'd been wearing the same outfit for two whole days now and it felt really good to get cleaned up. Once I fixed myself into his clothes as best as I could, I walked out to find Edward again. He was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching TV.

"Ready to go?" I asked as I stood in the doorway.

He jumped a little, surprised. "Oh, Bella." Edward said as he turned to look at me and then he froze, staring at me. "Hi."

His staring was making me nervous, did I look that bad in his over-sized outfit? "What?" I demanded as I tried not to show my discomfort under his stare. "I won't have to wear it for long."

Suddenly he thawed out and rushed over to me. "NO, … I, I mean its ok." Edward stuttered. "No, I'm sorry I was staring. … Well, no I'm not sorry about that." He said smiling as his eyes glanced back cross my form. "But I'm sorry you misunderstood. Bella, you look great, beautiful even. More than that even."

"Ok, enough jokes Mister." I said while rolling my eyes as I walked passed him to grab my shoes. "Come on, lets go."

He snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around me before I could even take three steps away from him. "Oh I mean it Bella." Edward whispered into my ear and kissed my neck. "I like it, … I like this look a lot for you. In fact, its very … _sexy_, Love."

That was _not_ a word used very often by Edward. … I think I've only heard him use it once and by then it had been a joke. But right now, he seemed be very sincere and that's probably what worried me. Nothing could make me more nervous around him than when he started using words he normally never would. And _that _word was probably the scariest I'd ever heard him say before. Not to mention how untrue it had to be. I know for a fact I've never been something close to … _sexy_. Its just something that does not fit me.

"Umm, ok." I whispered as I tried to think of a way out of this situation. "Well, glad you like it then. Now can I get my shoes?"

"Sure, then I'll drive you to Charlie's." Edward answered after placing kiss on my shoulder. "But you can keep them."

"Thanks, that's very kind of you." I said back as I grabbed my shoes, trying to hide my blushing face from him. "Ok, lets go."

We got our shoes and left shortly after that and the talk about my look was finally over. I caught Edward glancing at me off and on as we walked out to his car but it was better than him just staring. Part of me liked the idea that he liked me in his clothes but the majority of me just found it embarrassing. It was hard for me to not blush every time I saw him looking my way. Even while he was driving down the road he would catch my eye from time to time.

"I don't think Dad will be home for another few hours." I said as we got closer to Charlie's house. "That's plenty of time to change."

"And maybe you should pack a few extra things." Edward recommended as an after thought. "You know, just in case."

"Yeah, good idea." I agreed. "I almost forgot that none of my stuff is over at you place anymore. Its going to take some time to readjust to being together again, not that everything is different."

"It doesn't have to be." Edward said as we turned onto the next road. "Different I mean. The only thing between us that is different is that someday you're going to marry me."

"Yeah but none of my stuff is at your place so its not the same." I answered softly. "It doesn't feel the same when I have to go home just for a change of my own clothes. It doesn't feel like home."

"It will again." Edward answered confidently. "Soon, … you'll pack a bag for today and soon it will be just the same. After all, at some point it just might be your home, Bella."

"That's true … some day we'll be married and living together, starting a family of our own and…" I started thinking about everything and what all this would mean for us.

Before I lost my mind and tried to take myself away from Edward I used to spend almost every day and night over at Edward's. It felt just like a second home to me even when he was still living with his parents back in school. I'd spend lots of nights with Alice and Rose but mostly I'd hang out with Edward during the day. I always felt at home around all of them, it was just as easy as if they were my family. Esme and Carlisle always treated me like another one of their kids and the boys took care of me, just like a little sister. Even though I left all of them without so much as a word, they all seemed to bring me back into their lives as if nothing has changed. They welcomed me back with open and loving arms, _like Edward_.

"Bella, we don't need to talk about all that now." Edward said bringing me back from my thoughts as he took my hand. "I now its going to take some time before you're ready to talk about the future and I'm more than willing to wait Bella. No rush, as long as you'll stay by my side long enough for us to have a future."

"I want to bring my stuff back over." I said suddenly and almost without thinking about it. "Edward, like it was before everything."

He smiled but looked a little confused. "That's what we're here for Bella." Edward said softly. "You can pack a few things that you'll need for when you come over and stay a while."

"But Edward, I don't want to stay a while." I told him honestly, part of me wasn't sure why I was still talking.

"You don't have to Bella." Edward told me looking even more confused now. "You don't have to come back with me, we can talk here if you'd like and then I'll go home alone."

"NO, … no I mean I don't want to just pack for a few days." I mused without thought and looking him in the eye. "Edward I want to move in with you. I may not be ready for talks about weddings and stuff but I know I want to spend forever with you. I want to live together and I want to wake up every morning just like this."

"Wow, … _really_?" Edward asked smiling. "Bella that's, that's amazing! I can't believe it. … I love you so much, Bella."

Just then he smiled so brightly and I've never been so happy. Edward and I were going to live together and when the time was right, we'd be getting married. I thought nothing could make this better but then he leaned in and kissed me passionately. After that very lovely kiss we got out of his car and walked hand-in-hand into the house. We rushed up to my room so I could pack the most essential things for the next few days. I'd get the rest after we talked things over and spilled the happy news to Charlie.

"Are we telling him today or waiting?" Edward asked after a while of packing, just as I was putting the last shirt in my bag.

"Umm, well I don't think I'm moving in tonight." I said sheepishly trying to avoid telling my Dad for as long as possible.

"We have to tell him at some point, Bella." Edward pointed out stubbornly and I knew I couldn't avoid this any longer.

"Ok, ok." I gave in as I grabbed my bags off the bed. "Fine, you're right. We'll wait here for him and tell him the good news."

"I think that's a great idea." Edward beamed happily. "This way it doesn't matter how soon we moving you in."

"He won't like this idea, you know." I muttered as Edward helped carry things down stairs and out to his car. "Not at all."

"He is your father, Bella." Edward stated. "He doesn't have to like this idea. He also can't stop us from being together."

I sighed defeated. "Yes I know." I turned to shut the door after we got back inside and followed him into the living room. "He couldn't really stop us even back when we were in high school."

"We were and will always be in love Bella." Edward said with conviction as we sat together on the couch to wait.

We spent the rest of the time, waiting for Charlie, curled up on the couch and watching TV. It was like we went back in time to High school and just hanging out at my place. Edward was laughing and smiling with his arms wrapped around me and I was resting with my head against his shoulder. Everything was simple and peaceful as time passed and the shows were playing in the background. It wasn't long until I completely forgot out stressing over Charlie coming home and having to tell him about our news. Soon, I was even drifting off during a rerun of an old show we used to watch.

…

Breaking your own heart, part 10  
>New Beginnings.<p>

Edward's POV.

It didn't take Bella long to fall asleep as we waited for her father to get home from work. She had been so tired the last couple of days _and with everything that was going on_, I was just glad to see her getting some sleep. Plus she was so adorable as she curled up in my arms. I love watching as her head slowly nods, _like it does when she's trying to fight sleep_. Nothing could be more precious to me than Bella. I glanced at the clock after a while of just watching her sleep. Charlie would be home soon. I couldn't have been more exited for him to get here but Bella had been a little nervous. _Even if this was her idea_, I knew it would be difficult for Bella to leave her father here alone. For so long Chief Swan had been living alone but then Bella came into his life again and he seemed much happier. Of course, then she came into my life as well and things changed for everyone. Bella made me the happiest I've ever been but Charlie was left feeling like he was loosing his little girl. Now, since I'm not a father myself I can't truly say I understand the feeling but I image it close to the feeling I got when I lost Bella.

"Edward." Bella mused in her sleep, _probably dreaming about me_ and she's smiling _so that's good_. "Hmm, My Edward."

I leaned down and gently kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams, My Love." I whispered as I brushed her hair away from her face.

Just then I heard the key in the lock of the front door and … even though I was waiting for this, _my heart still started racing_. I knew Charlie wouldn't be happy about this but we were all adults now. Bella's father can't stop her from moving on with her life. Still, _I couldn't help but feeling like the teenage boy I used to be with his little girl fast asleep in my arms again_. Any minute now, he'll walk in here to find Bella and I and then we'll tell him our plans to move in together. He won't be happy at first, _I'm sure_, but it will be ok. By this point, he knows we are here because my car is parked out front and Bella has been spending the last few nights at my place.

"Bella!" Charlie called as soon as he walked into the house, his voice was filled with hidden emotions. "Bella you home?"

"We're in here, Chief Swan." I called back trying not to wake Bella, she needed to sleep as long as possible.

He walked into the room with more restraint than his voice had subjected before, calmer now. "Edward." He nodded as he came in and saw Bella sleeping, then sat in his chair. "Good to see she's catching the sleep she's been missing. Been here long?"

"Not really Sir." I answered simply. "Just came to get a few of Bella's things. I'm sorry I've kept from home for so long."

"Does umm, does this mean you're back again?" Charlie asked hesitantly. "You two back to together again, you know she could do better right? Some people actually care about Bella and would never hurt her the way you have, Edward."

_That made me flinch a little _but I deserved every word. "No Sir, I know what I've done in the past but this is different." I told him with conviction and certainty. "I'm not going to let Bella slip away from me again and once she wakes up, we'd like to talk with you."

He just sat there, thinking. "I don't like you Edward." Charlie said simply then sighed. "But Bella was miserable without you and I don't want that to happen to her again. Jacob would never hurt her like that but she doesn't love him. She loves you." he leaned back into his chair with a soft huff. "Just … don't hurt her again."

"Believe me Sir, I have no intentions of ever hurting Bella." I answered honestly as I looked down at the sleeping angel. "Bella is the only person that has ever mattered to me this much. Anything I have ever done to her was only what I thought was best for her. I admit that in the past I've made some wrong choices but so has Bella. Chief Swan, … Charlie, I can promise that its in the past."

"Hmm. If you say so, boy." Charlie scoffed but I'll prove it to him in the future then it was silent for a while. "So, this uh talk?"

"Its more to do with what Bella has to say." I told him carefully, I didn't want to worry him but I didn't want to say anything either.

"Uh huh." Charlie said to himself as he went to grab the remote control, then looked back at Bella and decided against it.

Suddenly Bella stirred in her sleep and shot straight up in a daze. "Wh, … wait, what happened?" Bella stuttered out.

"Bella, … Its alright, Love." I assured her softly. "It was a dream."

"Bella?" Charlie asked at the same time. "What's wrong."

"OH, … Dad, you're home." Bella noted as she started calming down again. "Oh. It was a dream … no worries then."

"You ok Hun?" Charlie asked still a little worried.

"Yeah, Dad. … Welcome home." Bella told him. "Umm sorry about the sudden visit after not being home the last few days."

"I told him that we were waiting so we all could talk." I explained as I wrapped my arms around Bella again so she'd relax more.

"Oh, yeah." Bella said slowly. "We did … want to talk to you Dad. … About something important. … Its good news."

"Oh? … Good news huh?" Charlie said unconvinced.

Bella looked back at me, I smiled at her and took held her hand for support. "Yeah Dad, it is good news, great news really." Bella told him a little more confident. "Edward and I are back together again … and, well and we are moving in together. What I mean is, … well, I'll be moving to Edward's apartment with him."

I gently squeezed Bella's shoulders reassuringly. "Chief Swan, Charlie, before you say anything just take the time to think about this." I said quickly as I could see his face turning red with shock. "Bella and I are in love, we have been for a long time and even though we've made mistakes in the past, we've learned. We need to be together because that's when we were the happiest. Bella means the world to me and honestly, we aren't the same teenagers we used to be. Before these last few months Bella had been spending more and more time over at my apartment anyway. Bella and I are back together and we're happy again. Its going to stay that way this time because I'm not letting her get away again."

Charlie's expression was blank for a few minutes, listening but thinking things through that the same time. "Moving in together is a big step, Bella." Charlie said slowly. "You sure?"

She simply nodded. … "More than anything Dad." Bella answered without any hesitation. "This was my idea."

"Are you, …" He paused to take a deep breath. "You packing to leave tonight? Moving everything might take some time."

"No Sir, tonight we only came to pick up a few things for a day or so." I assured him quickly. "Bella won't be moving just yet."

"It will be soon but probably not for at least a month so I can gather everything and get everything settled." Bella explained.

The talk with Bella's father wasn't nearly as bad as either of us thought it would be. He was very calm and for the most part he listened to what we had to say with out arguing. It was a lot different than conversations we've had with him in the past. Back when we first started dating … and even after the first time I'd left Bella back in high school because I thought she was in love with someone else. I had been a fool for thinking I could leave her back then but Bella and I had both made that mistake. It won't be happening ever again, I've learned from my past. I can't live without my Bella and she can't live without me. Makes me happy!


End file.
